One Year Anniversary Spectacular!

Well, it’s been a whole year of blogging. The day has actually come and past and I posted nothing, however I feel that is in keeping with the frequency of all my postings. What a year though. Ya know, I have no idea how many posts I have actually written. It should be quite a few. I was at work and reading back over many past articles and it was only then I realized my one-year anniversary was even coming up. Those of you who know me are probably not surprised (I don’t remember dates, which is curious because I am striving to be a historian).

Anyway, I thought about how best to celebrate the anniversary and decided that doing what most TV shows do when they hit some landmark would be best. Yes, this is the copout, “Greatest Moments Reel”…in blog form. I have scoured my archives looking for my favorite subjects and posts and have compiled a few that I found fun or interesting or whatever. And just for kicks I even put it into a familiar Top-Ten list format.

10) Christmas Values as told by Sinjon
9) Random Discovery
8) Men on Men
7) Higher Power
6) Jesus is my Hommie
5) We all need a Hero
4) Sty in the Eye
3) Medical Mayhem
2) I Pledge?
1) The Best Girl Ever...

Good stuff, good stuff. It was really tough finding some good blogs back there let me tell you. I’ve covered a lot of subjects and made some cool blog-buddies along the way. All in all I’d say it’s been a cool and worthwhile venture. I plan to keep on truckin' now so that you the reader can be looking forward to more interesting and gut wrenchingly Half-Assed blogs ahead. Thanks everybody for taking the time to read my stuff. I appreciate it.

XYZ

So, last weekend I went to my bud, Andrew’s, wedding in Savannah. Andrew has been a friend of mine since Boy Scouts. He and I remained friends during college and have had many a hilarious adventure together. I was asked to be a groomsman for the wedding and took great pride in it. LJ and I rented a car drove up, got a hotel, rented the tux, got the gift and everything. The wedding was lovely, but there was one troubling thing that happened.

This may have been better left unsaid, (which was to be the title of this post. I felt the current one captured more of the essence though) but I thought it was hilarious and had to share it. Maybe it can be an anecdote that Andrew can tell for years to come. Anyway, I got to the hotel where the other groomsmen were changing for the ceremony and put on my tux in the bathroom. All of us then went down stairs and accompanied guests on rented trolleys to a beautiful square downtown. We seated people and handed out programs. Then stood in front of the whole congregation and afterward escorted the bridesmaids back down the isle. The wedding party then hung out for a while and took a million pictures in all sorts of poses. Then hopped the trolleys back to the hotel for the reception. Later, I danced with LJ on an empty dance floor to some swing music (no one swings, go figure) so all eyes were on us. We even got applause! It was after downing some refreshments that the urge hit. I went to the bathroom to discover that I didn’t need to open my fly. That’s right it was already down. Why was it already down? Because, it had been down from the time I put on my tux to the time I went to the bathroom at the reception. Now, if you need to re-read all that with the knowledge of my awkward situation feel free, you may have missed something...much like I had.

Embarrassing I know, but still funny as hell. I came back and told LJ immediately. I’m just glad the "old boy" didn’t decide to make any unscheduled appearances while the ceremony was underway. Man, Stephanie would have never let me see Andrew again and probably would have had me shot by the police officer assigned to the square to keep the peace. Maybe at least gotten me arrested for public indecency…, which I would have had to agree to. The more I thought about it though, the more I thought, “Hey, this should be a wedding tradition, kinda like Groundhog’s Day. One of the groomsmen, who isn’t a prude, comes with the barn door open and if the junk falls out the marriage may end in divorce, but if it stays in then the marriage will be long and happy one.” I think that this may have been the best gift I could have given Andrew in the end.

Good luck guys and if my junk did make it into any of the pictures...I want copies.

Shed a Tear and Rejoice

We had a family meeting the other night and it has been decided that the satellite television bill has gotten way too high so we’re dumping it in exchange for high-speed Internet. I feel like an addict who got clean, then was thrust into a crack house for six months. Let me explain…

Before LJ and I got married we made up a budget so that we could be responsible with our money. We figured in everything from rent to extra spending cash. We thought that $65 or so was better spent on dinners, movies, or evenings out rather than cable television. We also used the cheapest dial-up web provider we could find and we didn’t have cell phones so there were no bills other than rent and utilities. “Like Robinson Caruso, it’s as primitive as can be”

When we moved into our first house all we had was a small collection of movies and some video games. We didn’t have an antenna so we couldn’t even watch local broadcasting. I have to admit it took a month or so to not feel the pull to watch TV. After a while though I got to a point where I really didn’t even care. I could walk into someone’s house where the TV was on and I wouldn’t pay attention to it even if everyone else were enrapt. Plus, me start to be getting better in my mental faculties. It was like this for a year and a half. Then we moved into a new house, after hurricane Ivan, with a friend named Mike.

Mike had lived very much the opposite. He and his ex-wife had cell phones, cable Internet, satellite television, and cable TV (yeah, cable and satellite). So they had it all man. After we moved in together Mike got satellite TV again and it has been downhill for me ever since. I was helpless when the option of TV came back into my life. I would binge like no one would understand. Now though it is all over.

We get DSL tomorrow! Yay! Now I can jump from web page to web page at break-neck speeds. Don’t be surprised if you see some flaming skid marks on your blogs like in “Back to the Future”, it was probably just me speeding off to my next destination. Mike also reminded me that with our computers linked to the same network we could game together. Maybe I’ll hold a Rainbow Six web party for all my old buds that used to do the LAN party thing with me. Anyway, It’s a good trade in my opinion but I will miss some near and dear shows that became close to heart.

[Our Dearly Departed]

Star Trek: The Next Generation

Top Gear

The Venture Brothers

The Dailey Show

and yes, The World's Most Amazing Videos

I will miss you all...

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes...

Like the new décor? Well, it’s October and October means Halloween and that means LJ and Mark’s favorite time of the year! So I did some redecorating on my site to accommodate. You may also have noticed that I changed my URL. Yeah, that was a bit of a hassle I know but if you recall brilligmark was the old URL and it just made sense to change it before someone else swooped in and took the name of the site "Half-Assed Opinions". Anyway, the Halloween décor won’t be permanent but you also will not see the old look again either. I looked back…back…back into the distant Half-Assed Archives and found that I started this blog on October 24^th of last year. So to celebrate my anniversary I will give the old blog a, much needed, face-lift. I’ve been working with some things to help make the page more eye appealing and have better functionality so I hope it will be a big improvement. Thanks for stopping by and Happy Halloween!

‘Roids n’ Voids

The first time I went paintballing I went to a field. A field is like a screened in arena with a shop adjacent, to rent or buy gear and stuff. At a paintball field there are referees to assign fair teams and keep order. You get tagged and your out, shooting at close range and your out, etc. The first time I played I had paid admission ($25), rented all my gear ($50) and was psyched as hell to finally play (priceless). As I stood there ready to be placed in my first team the ref said “Ok, every one with rental guns on this side and all the regulars with your own guns on this side.” I was in total disbelief as I stood there on the opposite side of the field looking at fifteen guys with shiny new automatic, high-powered, rapid-fire, CO2 powered paintball guns and me with my shitty single fire pump-gun. Long story short the “renters” got creamed and that was pretty much how the rest of day went. All of us with or inaccurate, single-fire, crap guns getting wasted by guys who did this every weekend and could shoot us from well out of range with total accuracy. You could have been friggin’ Rambo and lost. Was it fair? Hell no. Did I ever go back? Same answer.

Seems like a reasonable solution to the problem right? I mean the way they operated their field wasn’t fair so I didn’t play there anymore. Apparently major league baseball thinks differently on the matter of unfair competition. The issue, of course, is steroids. After all sorts of scandals, court cases, and player suspensions the MLB is being spanked by lawmakers to clean up its act. Despite the national leagues saying they will take care of it the feds may get involved anyway because, well lets be honest, they haven’t done jack to fix the problem.

The proposal went like this: first violation of drug use the player gets a 10, maybe 50, day suspension. Second offense the player is suspended from 30 days to 100 games. Third strike and the player faces 60 days to a lifetime ban. Notice that nothing was said about any record books or Hall of Fame (not yet anyway). Of course after the baseball commissioner’s thought about this they came back saying, “Well, maybe 20 days on the first offense but no mean old lifetime ban.” This was swiftly rejected of course and rightly so.

Damn it! Remember when a major league player was thought of as a really exceptional, hard working athlete. Then you find out Mark McGwire and Rafael Palmeiro were hopped up on drugs to perform like they did. Every game they ever played in is now under question. Who should have really won those games? Should this player be allowed to keep any of his awards? Should he be fined for playing while using steroids? Gee, let me think…Hmmmmm. Well, maybe we should let any cheater keep their ill-gotten spoils.

Remember the snowboarder who competed in the winter Olympic games and was later found to have used marijuana the night before he competed? He had to give his medal back and not even for using a performance-enhancing drug. I feel that if you get busted for using any kind of steroid there should be some incredibly harsh punishments. For instance, a player is busted on a drug test he gets an appeal to see if there is any reasonable explanation (I don’t know maybe the blood samples got switched in the lab) but regardless he is removed from the field until the matter is solved. If he is found guilty then he is either kept from ever winning any awards including entry into the Hall of Fame, his record voided and his salary is capped as low as the lowest paid person on the team. If he wants to be transferred he will be kept at that salary for the rest of his career. Essentially the player is blackballed. ‘Course you could just void their contract and send ‘em packing.

Am I being too harsh? I don’t think so. Cheating is cheating no matter if you use a dirt bike to win the Kentucky Derby or if you use steroids to get the edge on your competition. It is un-sportsman like and should have punishments too harsh to make it worth even thinking about. I don’t want to see sports heroes get busted. I just want to see players who are on even footing. Otherwise you’re just watching a group of “renters” getting pummeled.

T-Shirts Inc.

A little while back my crafty wife got into T-shirt stencils. Since, she has actually made and even sold self made T-shirts. Me being the forward thinking, trend setter that I am, I decided that it would be cool to make some of my own T-shirts so that I wouldn’t have to be walking around in some over priced, campy, cheesy logo T that wasn’t my campy, cheesy logo T. Now I can have all the flare I need and can make just the right statement by making the designs myself! I just got done with my last one (A Venture Brothers design) that I haven’t even worn out yet and I’m psyched as hell. Here are all the shirts I’ve made thus far…

• This one is just an idea I came up with while LJ, Mike and I were discussing possible company names and logos for our non-existent company that never happened! I liked it but they thought we wouldn’t be putting out the right image for a calendar company. Oh well.

• This is one I did for an eighties night at a club. I weathered it so as to look as authentic as possible. The back, in my opinion, looks great.

• This is one that I did for my love of the [Adult Swim] show The Venture Brothers. If you haven’t seen it then you have really been missing out. Cartoon Network just started making T-shirts for their shows but I think mine is way cooler.

• This last one some of you may recognize. This is a logo I made for my blog’s button (which can be found at the bottom of the side bar). I call it Game Skull. Now, if I start seeing this design around on shirts or blogs or business cards (because God knows it’s on mine) I’ll be expecting some royalties.

So there you have it my entire fall line. Yes you can expect to see me around town sporting these trendy new T’s. They are perfect for school, sporting events, and weddings…really anywhere.

Coming soon…

Medical Mayhem

Half-Assed Opinions: Your source for baseless medical information and indiscriminate biological ramblings.

I have been receiving a shit-load of hits (7 or 8 a day, which is a lot for me so shut up) for the post I did entitled “Sty in the Eye". In fact when I traced it back it appears that my blog is listed 22nd on Metacrawler and just 5th on MSN, just below The Mayo Clinic’s web page. I have been getting so many hits recently due to this that I am considering writing medical info posts to keep up with demand. For my next medical installment I will be discussing diagnosis and treatment of diarrhea. For example, a good sign that you may have diarrhea is if you are sliding into first and you feel something burst. Treatments for this can be as simple as eating fewer Taco Bell three bean burritos or driving in your Chevy less (so as not to feel something heavy), but I don’t want to give away too much baseless medical data just yet.

I just think its funny as hell that people would actually come to my blog of all places to find medical information; funnier still that I am ranked so highly on MSN. However, people who use MSN as a web browser deserve what they get. For now though I’ll enjoy my ill found glory and revel in it, as I tend to do. Maybe I’ll start diagnosing people on the street and then give them my credentials if they ask if I’m a doctor. “Well, Ma’am it seems obvious to me that you have chronic and recessive footyfunkitis. This is a foot stankifacation that can only be remedied by giving me five bucks. Ma’am I am listed just beneath The Mayo Clinic on (*some) medical web searches.”

I Pledge?

Here we go again. On Wednesday a federal judge in San Francisco ruled that reciting the pledge of allegiance in public schools was unconstitutional. This of course opened the floodgates for a nationwide panic! Now, across America our religious denizens are huddled in their homes both outraged over the decision of this “non-moral” judge, siding with a heathen (for Gods’ sake), and for their poor children who will have to go to school now without the reinforcement of their daily affirmation of citizenship. Woe to the masses. This is truly a black day.
I was at work when I heard the story. Newt Gingrich was interviewed on FOX NEWS about it. He was appalled at the decision and hoped that the president’s speech later would give some direction to the country. I almost hope that the president goes on tonight and DOES address this issue. I hope he says something to this effect “Honestly, I have no response for this court’s decision. Frankly people I have a war in Iraq, a city in Louisiana that is underwater not to mention thousands of displaced people to worry about, an oil crisis and bear market. Guys…I have badder fish to fry. Besides I am not the one who makes changes or interpretations in law. You people are thinking of the Supreme Court and, as I recall, they dodged this case only a few years ago. Now, I promise that if Congress decides to put a bill on my desk regaurding the matter then I will give it some consideration but right now I don’t have the fucking time.” I know it won’t go down like that, but one can always hope.
I never really saw the point in the pledge to be honest. Yeah, yeah, I know it is supposed to be about patriotism and honoring the soldiers who gave their lives and reaffirming our youngsters with “American” ideals. However, lets try and be honest for a moment. It isn’t. At least lets look at the origins of it. It was basically started out as a gimmick used to sell monthly periodicals and flags. Then instituted by our government to help Americanize the youth. Think about the words for a second. Nowhere in there does it say anything about our forefathers or fallen soldiers or our fundamental notions of a free and democratic society. Besides most kids don’t know what more than half of it means. “…And to the republic, for which it stands.” Ask any kid what that really means and I’ll bet they couldn’t tell you. In fact I’ll bet most high school students couldn’t tell you with any real acuracy.
I’m not opposed to God and I’m not opposed to patriotism but I am opposed to blind institutionalized propaganda. You don’t need for kids to stand up every morning and do this because you did it and your parents did it, that isn’t a good enough reason. This is a dogmatic practice at best. In a truly free society you shouldn’t have to pledge your allegiance to anyone or anything. Why don’t we stop all this crap and discuss what this is really about, prayer in schools and separation of church and state.
I know our forefathers believed in a God and I know that the word God appears in many of our founding documents and currency. What our forefathers believed isn’t the issue. They weren’t trying to subtly say that religion has its place in our government, just because they believed in a God. Again, they were the ones who were trying to make a free country without religious sway one way or the other. That was the overall goal people. Why did they leave England?
Honestly, do you think the religious people out there would be pissed if instead of the word God (which is obviously Judeo-Christian) we had the word deity on everything? Of course they would. They want their God recognized above all others.
So where do I stand? Well you’d think I would be siding with the judge in San Fran right? Not really, I don’t think this is any kind of real issue at all. Say the pledge, don’t say the pledge…whatever. Just don’t force anyone to take part in something they don’t want to. Personally, I never stood for the pledge when I had the choice and I didn’t care what others thought. You can’t make someone believe in something like this just by going through the motions, be it religion or be it patriotism. This is a non-issue that the press and some groups (religious and Atheist) are taking WAY out of proportion.

Join the Fight!

I went to my mom’s blog the other day to find that she had ten new comments on a post no more than an hour old. Not that I think she shouldn’t be getting comments mind you, in fact this was her best post ever, it’s just that she rarely gets any but mine. So I check out who has been leaving notes. They all started kinda like “Hey, I’e been reading your blog. I think you have a great writing style…” or “Wow that sounds really great. I really like your blog…” but then they start talking about how you need to check out their site to find out more about a new diet pill or on-line dating or whatever. It was like opening a cupboard and finding rat feces, yes the telltale sign that blog-spammers had been there.

I don’t know if any of you have been troubled with this insidious advertising scheme yet but I guarantee that you will. I was pissed when I saw it. I know it wasn’t my page but still she had TEN spam comments in just about an hour! I felt like the sanctity of blogers everywhere had been violated. Maybe I am naïve because I didn’t realize what a problem this was. Well, now I’m pissed and I’m going to do something about it.

If you are having this problem on your page then you can add what is called “Word Verification”. I am not sure how well this will work but I did link back to several of the spammers home blogs only to find that they use it so it must be worth it. (Yeah, spammers who don’t want to get spammed…fuckers.) Anyway, another thing you can do is called flagging. This is where ever vigilance comes in. YOU the blog community must police yourselves. When you press the “Next” button on the blogger nav-bar and stumble across a spam blog you need to flag it so that Blogger will know to come back and look for it. They will delete spam or illegal materials. Remember this is not about censorship this is about keeping this space sacred and free. We all have to work together to keep these fuckers out. If you find a spam page make some rude or mean comments then flag the bastard, I know I will.

If any of you find a better way of knocking back spam or of fighting it then please post a comment to tell us all. I found some but they were rather tech and script heavy. Frankly I don’t have the skills required for any of that. There is no legislation against it so as to make it punishable by jail time. I guess this is just another one of those things, if you own a mailbox you’ll get junk mail, if you have a phone line you’ll get sales calls, if you have an email account you’ll get spam, and now if you have a blog you’ll get comment spam. Dirty motherfuckers.

The End is Nigh

I passed my last class for college graduation! All I have left to do is some stupid exit counseling and an exit exam. The exam is called the CLAST, it’s a basic math assessment. I am a little stressed about it but not much. See, I can take this test as many times as I need without it affecting my GPA or being on my record at all. How bad-ass is that? I mean I passed Spanish II and Primatology so a little skills evaluation is nothing; especially with no pressure for a good grade. Its pass/fail! Hahahahaha!

So, now I’m looking for jobs. LJ has been looking in the national parks system for any openings for a while but nothing has come up. Not to mention its balls hard to get a job with them. Its like “Yeah, we want to hire only people with five years of experience, medical training, a masters degree, military service, and oh yeah, we’re only going to pay them 20,000 a year. So fuck off all you young recently graduated go-getters.” You have to be the smartest idiot in the world to get a job with the national parks system. I just think they want more than they can honestly pay for. So, I am still hoping to get a job with them but I don’t see it happening. I am however seeing a lot of jobs in the archaeology field. Now those people I can relate to.

In the end LJ and I just want to get the hell out of Florida. God, this place sucks. Hurricanes, thunder storms daily, crazy over zealous Christian fanatics. This place is a zoo. I am tired of working retail and I am more tired of having to cater to redneck morons who think its ok to be dumb because its being true to their roots. Damn you Jeff Foxworthy! Am I being an elitist? Hell no! I’m sorry but if I could suffer through reading some books and self-tought computer skills then they can too. Is it too much to ask that the general public know enough to be able to talk about things other than what was on TV last night and their wacky-ass views on theology? It’s like Inherit the Wind down here. I dunno maybe I’m just being mean. On the other hand, more and more I find myself thinking of what Sartre said, “Hell is other people.”

Are You Asking for a Challenge!?

I was working the other night when the strangest thing happened. This dude walked in wearing a Street Fighter II T-shirt. Casually I told him I liked his shirt and then asked, just to confirm, “So you like Street Fighter, eh?” He and I start to talk about it and almost an hour later he leaves. In the course of our conversation he tells me that he has played in some tournaments and that he still plays with friends. Then he invites me over for a game some time. That was when the problem occurred.

To fully understand my love of this, now ancient, SNES game I have to explain high school. I did two things in my four years and studying was not one of them. I was either at the cliffs rock climbing or glued to a TV in my friend’s basement playing Street Fighter II or the turbo edition. I played it so much that I got not just good, but freakin’ amazing. I didn’t know anyone, until yesterday, which had gotten to the secret ending. I played my friend and though we started as equal I soon learned that I had untapped skills that made me almost impossible to beat on even terms. My friend Mike is much the same as it applies to Mortal Kombat. We both however are very rusty.

So now I’m asking myself, should I call this dude up? Should I step outside my comfort zone and really test my skills? Or, will this hurt my ego too much. I don’t know. I would like to think I can compete in something where I am certainly the underdog, I’ve done it before, but for some reason I am more apprehensive about this. Maybe it’s because Street Fighter is one of the only games I have always been the best at, and I just want to go on feeling like I’m the champ. The other side of me though wants the challenge no matter what. This opportunity could tell me whether I am truly a contender or just a wanna-be. I think I’m going to call this dude up and prepare for the challenge.

Sty in the Eye

Sorry for my last post. I was just lazy that night. For now, however, I want to tell you all about my horrible affliction. If the title didn’t give it away I have a sty. This is nowhere near as exciting as finding my first gray hair a few months back. This sucks!

Let me tell you that before today I had absolutely no clue what a “sty” was. I woke up with my eye in major pain and decided that I should go to the university clinic to get to the root of the problem. I go and sit for forty minutes in the waiting room. Then get a nurse who decides she needs to check my vision. Then wait for another twenty minutes before I see the doctor; who comes in takes one look at my eye and declares that I have a sty. “A stile”, I ask. “No, a STY”, she replies as though talking to a confused third grader.

That was it; I called work telling them I had an eye infection so that I could go to the clinic and when I show up my boss diagnoses me as quickly as my doctor did. I am the only person at my age, apparently, who has never had one of these little bastards. I feel like a kid who has discovered farts for the first time. Plus, Mike and LJ have had them and I guess I kinda feel like they were hidding something from me. Like I'm the only one not in the sty club.

So what can I do about it? Nothing. I have to sit back and let nature take it’s course. Damn, I hate when my body double crosses me and makes me look like an idiot. I'll have to plan a devious revenge like sitting in an uncomfortable chair or something. Back on topic, at some point I’m going to stop asking people what things are so I won’t look stupid. I can see myself going into a physical at the age of seventy and the doctor leaping away from my back because there is an arm growing out or something equally Outer Limits. “What, that’s not normal?”

More Title than Content

See?

150mph Couch Potato

I was vegging in front of the TV recently when I realized something peculiar. I was watching a show called Top Gear, a British automotive show, on the discovery channel. This was after watching another show called Overhaulin’ which was on after yet another show called Classic Car Rebuild. This is when the revelation struck; however to fully explain this I have to take you back a few years.

(FLAAASHBAAACK)

Ever since I could remember my father would read, watch, and live cars. Some might call him obsessed but that might not give due credit to how far his hobby goes. He is the type of guy every mechanically challenged man wants as a neighbor and every used car salesman dreads. My father to this day has stacks of old Road & Track, Car & Driver, and almost every other car magazine from the 1950’s ‘till now. He has ordered entire volumes of magazines spanning decades from other auto enthusiasts just so he could re-read old articles he remembered and then tuck them away in his closet. When ever one of his kids crossed a state line on a road trip away from home they were required to bring back an Auto-Trader from the states visited for my father’s perusal.

The man has had three sports cars in his garage at one time, that don’t function outside of gathering dust, purely because he likes having them. He also has three motorcycles. He commissioned me four or five years ago to paint him a mural in our basement of, what else, a car in a garage. Once he told me that he could identify any car simply from the silhouette or hubcap, and then he could give a complete breakdown, by the numbers, of every aspect of that automobile. I’ve tested him and he can do it.

When I was young I can remember getting up on Sundays to get ready for church. My dad would already be up in his house robe watching a race. When we got back from church he would be recording one race and watching another. If I wanted to spend any time with him on these days I had to sit down, be quiet, and watch the races with him. After years of this I guess I started building up an appreciation for cars. Not that I am any good as a mechanic. Hell, I have a hard time doing anything with my car. However, I can remember little tidbits of automotive trivia (such as Roles Royce built the engines for the WWII fighter planes, the Corsairs) and I can tell stories that revolve entirely around cars (Link). Also, as I have already stated, I have some deep desire to watch shows about cars. I can’t get enough. Yeah, the shows are good enough on their own, but I wonder if it is somehow attached in my psyche that television shows about cars relates to quality time with my pops.

While some men make time for football games or going fishing, I seem to make an inordinate amount of time for automotive television shows and car talk. Don’t get me wrong, again I couldn’t tell you anything about cars really, but I love talking about them and watching stuff about them. The thing that is really baffling is that cars are in no way associated with any of my hobbies. I’m an outdoorsman. When I do something for myself I tend to get as far away from roads as possible. On that same note, I hate having to work on my car. I absolutely loathe it. But, I will watch shows about cars endlessly. I guess what I am getting at is that our parents do rub off on us, though that may scare many of us somewhat. In some ways I’m glad I can sit in front of a TV and feel close to my dad. Yet sometimes I also wonder why he couldn’t have instilled some of his mechanical know-how too, damn it.

Think of the Childrens

I don’t know if you’re up on the current video game scandals but let me fill you in. Supposedly there is a code called “Hot Coffee” that you can input into the Grand Theft Auto; San Andres video game that will allow the player to watch a snippet of a sex scene with some partial nudity. No more than you would get on an episode of NYPD Blue. However, due to this ESRB, the guys who put ratings on video games, have made a new category for games to fall into, AO. This stands for Adults Only, meaning that only 18 and over can purchase the game. As a result many large chain retailers (Wal-Mart) are pulling GTA from their shelves. Also, today Hillary Clinton has started a group dedicated to treating games they feel are obscene the same as alcohol or tobacco.

This is a tricky subject. On the one hand I can see some parents views on not wanting games with over the top violence and sex to fall into their children’s hands. Yet, at the same time why is there all this outrage over things that kids read about, hear about, and see on the news already? Yeah little Billy can watch the news with real car chases and watch shows where people kill each other in fantastic ways, but he can’t play a video game with the same elements? It’s like the argument that violent cartoons breed violence in children. I don’t know of too many people who were killed by falling safes or bludgeoned with frying pans. I wouldn’t want my kid watching porn but I don’t feel that these games are porn. It also seems that most parents don’t care about any amount of violence as long as there is no sex.

Kids today have greater access to unfiltered information than ever before due to the Internet and through television. They are able to tell the deference between fantasy and reality just like kids in the fifties knew that if they were to mimic Bugs Bunny and stick their fingers in the barrel of a gun they wouldn’t have any fingers to pull back out. Normal people can separate video game reality from their reality. I don’t feel that anyone playing these games is going to suddenly decide that maybe stealing cars and robbing people is a good idea.

Though, like I said I can understand why some parents wouldn’t want their kid playing these games. Well, why not get more involved? When I was working at Block Buster a game came out called Conker's Bad Fur Day. This game involved violent themes, bad language and sexual innuendo…it was great. I had to stop parents and tell them this out of a feeling of civic responsibility because they didn’t care to walk over and see what it was their 11 year old was handing them to rent. This got me sour looks not just from the kids but the parents too. “Why would you rent out such a filthy game?” Answer: for the same reason we’re renting you the movie Pearl Harbor (a movie with just as much sex and blood as any video game on the market), entertainment.

Well, the times they are a changin’ and video games are getting more mature to follow the market trend. The youth that started with Pac-Man is now old enough to want something more adult oriented. Video games are no longer the innocent, unrealistic, pixilated things they used to be. I am cool with ESRB’s decision. It seems only right, but get off your high horse Hillary you’re showing your age.

Cyclops Drunk

Well we made it through Hurricane Dennis all right. The power was out for a day and a half and nothing was really terribly damaged, not unless you count a four by five foot hole in the side of our house. LJ and I drove over to the pad right after the storm went over to discover that at the top of our place, just under the peak of the roof a large portion of wall was missing. Interestingly there was no water damage in the house…weird. So we’re getting that fixed. Our landlord kinda did a botched repair job on it already so Mike and I will have to pool our un-considerable home repair knowledge to make it right. The dude may as well have stuck two crisscrossing elephant sized band-aids over the hole for all the good it will do.

Anyway, that night we wanted to go out to eat since no one was hurt and our house was in good enough shape to continue living there (an honest concern when faced with any hurricane, trust me). We all go to an Irish pub/restaurant called Maguire’s to celebrate. The place is packed, but hey, no problem they have an open bar. Mike tells me I should try an “Irish Wake” and LJ seems interested so I order two. These drinks are served in mason jars and are filled halfway with liqueur before being topped off with fresh squeezed OJ.

I won’t make any excuses here. I got nailed, and yes on one drink. About halfway done I am already feeling like I have just shot gunned my third beer. With about a quarter remaining I am having a hard time walking strait. When I finish I am totally pissed. I have a confession to make now. You guys know the picture I use of myself on my page. You know, the one where I am holding the dollar in one hand the glass in the other, I have a grin from ear to ear and it appears as though I’m winking? Well, I’m not actually winking per say so much as trying to stem double vision. That look is something you only get when I am wicked drunk. It has only happened a few times because I am not usually a heavy drinker but it has occurred enough to earn me the drunken moniker “Winky”. Moving on, by the end of that one drink I was looking through mono-vision and my wife had to call the hotel she works at, conveniently situated right down the street, so that all of us could stumble over and sleep in a free room (*LJ wasn’t that drunk and drove down herself I feel compelled to add). Mike claims he wasn’t that drunk but I don’t believe it for a second and you shouldn’t either.

Now, I was told yesterday that I am a rather amusing drunk. I am fun to laugh at and with, and have a very jovial disposition. That makes me glad. I have known so many people who respond differently to alcohol that to be a joker is a blessing. Supposedly I’m quite the entertainer. Anyway, it was great to get out and loosen up after Dennis blew through. Incidentally, we are all making bets on what category Emily will make landfall as and where she will hit. My money is on category two and it will hit somewhere about thirty miles west of Pensacola. I’ve got ten bucks riding on it so Emily better deliver.

Oh, and if anyone is so inclined please link over to my wife’s site and wish here a happy 24^th birthday it would mean a lot to her.

Mother Nature, You Bitch!

Damn it! I went through hurricane Ivan down here. The aftermath was more than I ever expected and certainly more than anyone else who didn’t live here had ever expected. I would talk to people on the phone 8 months afterward and tell them that Pensacola was still a mess. Most people had no idea. Once the story is off the news everyone forgets. I’d been guilty of it too, but who could know? To anyone who doesn’t know, the hardest part of a hurricane isn’t living through it, it’s the rebuilding after the storm is long gone. Pensacola still isn’t 100%. There are still signs that never got replaced and homes that never got rebuilt. There are many buildings that have just gotten to the point where they could start reconstruction, yeah a year later.

I lived in Georgia most of my life. I am only in Pensacola to finish school. In Georgia all you have to be worried about is occasional flooding, lightning and tornados. A tornado wrecked an area near where I lived once. The devastation was pretty bad, but it was very localized. Nothing could have prepared me for how bad a hurricane is. Let me give you a picture:

The hurricane has past. You wanna hear what’s going on by listening to the radio? You can’t, no towers for miles. You wanna watch TV? Nope, not unless you can pick up a signal from somewhere far enough away from the damaged area which can be a hundred miles or more. Maybe you wanna call your family or friends to tell them you’re ok. Well just hope you have a cell phone whose towers aren’t all down because the landlines are mostly gone. No stores are open for anything, no power, and no clean water. You can’t even flush a toilet for God’s sake. There are trees and debris everywhere, I mean everywhere. The town is, literally, like living in the 1700’s.

Ivan was a category 3, though if you ask anyone here they’ll tell you it was a four. This new hurricane, Denis, could be a solid category four and looks like it is taking the same path as Ivan. Am I worried? No, not really. What’s to be worried about? Yeah, there’s going to be plenty of property damage and a long slow rebuild…again, but I don’t feel like my life or my family’s is in any danger. Most deaths that occur from hurricanes are due to being in a bad location (aka the beach or flood zone). We will be far away from that so I am pretty sure we’ll be safe. Still, my wife and I just don’t want to go through the whole process again. Damn you nature, why must you give with one hand, and bitch-slap with the other.

The Worstest American

I don’t know how many of you have been watching the TV show “The Greatest American” on the discovery channel. The premise is basically this, people vote via email to give the show a list of Americans who, for some reason, could be considered “great”. Then the list is voted on, again by email, to select someone who could be named the greatest American. Greatness is one of those words that is difficult to adhere any one quality to, so there is some contention as to who should be considered. Some people look at life achievement, while others look at personal bests, still others look at contributions made to our country. Now, I’m not going to get into whom I think is the greatest (Benjamin Franklin) but I was curious as to who would be considered the worst.

I was talking about this to a gentleman I work with on a few slow evenings and we came up with a few people who could potentially make the list for The Worst American.

For the purposes of this list we are not considering anyone who is merely annoying or not popular or even someone who has killed people such as Jeffery Dahmer or the BTK killer. Our criterion was someone who has negatively affected our nation or a large group of people here. They have to be Americans so Osama Bin Laden won’t count, and anyone who was working for the Taliban here in America must be a citizen to count. These people must have had a seriously negative impact in some way or another, so no presidents please. Though I’m sure most of you could list a few that have broken laws or been the causes of grief in some way or another. This does not mean that you can’t list some politicians all I’m saying is that Bill Clinton or Richard Nixon are not considerations. I am going to list some of the people who made our list and give reasons for each, if you would like to add a nominee then post a comment with the name of the person and why you think they should be considered. So without further ado…

• Benedict Arnold: In 1779 he sold out America by giving vital information to the British in exchange for a high rank in the British military and lots of money. If he had succeeded it would have ment the deaths of hundreds of West Pointers and soldiers in the field.
• Philip Henry Sheridan: A general for U.S. army in the 1850’s. He oversaw the slaughter of countless Native Americans and helped to force them into reservations (though they were more like concentration camps at the time). He killed non-combatants and women and children as a standard practice. He was responsible for an episode of ethnic cleansing in America.
• Lester Garfield Maddox: A southern racist during the civil rights movement who sold axe handles from his restaurant to beat up any African Americans that tried to eat there. He later ran for governor and was defeated, twice. Then, to add insult to injury, he actually was elected to office. He makes the list because he stood as a figurehead for intolerance and segregation by force.
• Reverend Jesse Jackson: I Know I’m getting in trouble for this one but… While Jesse Jackson raised awareness for cultural issues like civil rights he spun Dr. Martin Luther King Junior’s vision of an equal African American society into a victimized one. He has lead people to, almost, start the march backward for blacks in our nation. Now, there are many African Americans that feel they are owed something from their “white oppressors” instead of making strides to better their own situations. While he has made a mockery of his position as a Reverend by having an affair that resulted in a pregnancy and a fatherless child (something he preached against) he has worked almost in reverse to what the United Negro College Fund and the NAACP has been working towards, an educated and equal community.
• William J. Simmons: In 1915 Simmons, a Methodist minister, started what is known as the second, or modern day, Ku Klux Klan. His agenda was bent solely on hurting, harassing, or killing any non-whites in America. He declared himself Grand Wizard and implemented cross-burning and lynching as a standard practice. He paved the way for all subsequent KKK hate groups.
• Jimmy Swaggart: Swaggart was a televangelist throughout the eighties and into the nineties. He used this platform to amass vast amounts of money that never saw any of the charities he claimed to be giving to. He was caught with a prostitute not once but three times and refused to give up his seat in his church. Later he told a news reporter that “[he would] kill any gay person who looked at him romantically”, and then tell God “they just died”.

So there you have it. I would love for any of you readers to contribute to the list. Again just try and make it someone who has negatively affected our society and tell why. Feel free to disagree with any of my selections (I know I’m gonna get it for Jesse Jackson), but please say why. I am hoping to get some interesting entries and maybe get a vote on which the worst is.

A Geek from the Past

I was trading funny web-videos today with a guy at work and I stumbled across one I haven’t seen in a long while. Have any of you seen “Star Wars Kid”? Here’s the premise; this kid, who I guess was in the A/V club at his high school, films himself doing some staff fighting moves with his own light saber sounds while no one is around. The kid is dressed kinda lame, he is a little chunky and he sucks to say the least. The kicker is that he left the tape in the camera. The next day some other A/V kids find the tape and made the fateful decision to put it on KaZaA for all to see. The video takes off like a rocket. In days there are about five, professional quality, downloadable versions of this poor kid. I had it on my computer video file for years. Every time I watch it I keep repeating under my breath, “You poor, poor bastard.”

When I did a yahoo search today with the words Star Wars Kid I got a huge return. There is page after page dedicated to this video. It has become an underground Internet cult phenomenon. There are roughly 108 videos edits now available and at least one more a day is made somewhere. There are T-shirts and bumper stickers. There was even a petition made up to get George Lucas to put him in the last Star Wars movie. I was flat amazed. I remembered downloading the original video in 2002 (the same year it was made) but I had no idea at the time that it would turn into such a huge thing. I have to admit I was halfway tempted to buy a shirt, but I think that may be too geeky even for me. All I can say is, God speed Star Wars Kid…God speed.

Smooth Criminal

I watched the Michael Jackson case today on FOX News. I have to admit I was strangely curious about the outcome. In the weeks to come I am sure there will be a lot of debate on the results (for anyone who lives in a cave and has internet but only gets this web page for some reason, it was not guilty on all charges) and the public’s reaction and the presumption of guilt that I am sure will follow Michael for possibly the rest of his life.

For me, I feel that the guy is weird to say the least. Has he done anything sexually oriented with any little boys? Well, I am sure that he may have. As to whether or not he did with this boy, whether you like it or not, he was tried and found innocent. Do I feel the guy is innocent of any other misconduct? Again, probably not; the thing that most of us have to keep in mind is this: It doesn’t matter what you may think of the person on trial or how well you think you know the case. If you weren’t there when the crime was committed then you have no authority to pass judgment, that’s what a jury is for. I would expect that most of you would feel the same if you were on trail for something you didn’t do. It is a bittersweet reality of our justice system here in America.

I know one thing, if I was Michael I would be praying night and day for the next week to any and all Gods he can think of. The dude would never have made it in prison for any amount of time. I would be willing to bet that he would have been dead within a week of going in. Also, if I were in Michael’s family I would do my very best to have somewhat of an intervention for the guy. Look he may or may not have fondled little boys but, the dude is a pedophile and he needs help. He also needs the people around him to save him from himself. They need to hire someone to just hang with the guy and make sure there is no way he is ever in the same room as a minor so there will never be any question about this kind of conduct. The guy needs to play it safe as hell for the rest of his life.

Of course a good P.R. campaign wouldn’t hurt. This time though don’t let him run it. He can’t be pictured as this “boy who never grew up”, mentally abused, shut in. He needs to get out. Go to parties (not birthday parties at Chucky Cheese), go to events, hang with sports stars or rappers. Then he needs to do a major image overhaul. Maybe let Dr. Dre help with some videos and let Lil John do the wardrobe. In five years, if he plays his cards right, he could be a person who parents wouldn’t let their kids near and solve any question about his sexuality at the same time.


*Thanks to Mike for help editing the picture