Thursday, January 12, 2006


The greatest of all Super Heroes

I have been of the impression, for a long while now, that most every super power out there actually sucks. Really, when you ask someone “Hey, if you could have any super power what would it be?” There will be the inevitable person who answers, “I would want to be able to fly” or “I want super strength” or “I want to be able to…” What most people don’t realize is that there are a shit-ton of draw backs to having any of these super powers.

First off, if you could fly you would still be susceptible to any number of problems. Atmospheric pressures, windburn, wind chill, hitting obstacles (what do you think would happen to you while flying 200mph + and you hit a bird), not to mention what would happen if people saw you flying around. You think people are just going to be happy for you? Second, super strength. If you were super strong you would barely be able to handle normal life. Everything you touched would be in danger of breaking. What happens when you have a nightmare and kick whomever you are sleep next to? You might wake up with a hole in the wall and the police at your door. All I’m saying is that to wish for these types of super powers is asinine.

I have long believed that the best super power to have would be the ability to find anything any where at any time. Think about it. How much time in your life would you save if suddenly you knew where your car keys were. Where you left your _____. Better yet, how valuable of a person would you be to any government if they knew you could find who ever or whatever facility or whatever spy? How awesome would it be to know where anything, and I mean ANYTHING was? Totally awesome that’s what. And for this reason if I had this power my super identity would be Findor. I even came up with some T-shirt logos…that’s right T-shirts because I don’t have the money for an incredible costume. So, I guess either one of these.

Upon further thought I decided that any super hero team would have to have this person around otherwise how would they find criminals? I could be all like,”Yeah, Lex Luthor. He’s in the Hall of Doom at the bottom of the Florida everglades. You need me to draw you a map…Superman?” Plus, if a villain ever screwed with me I could tell him “Yeah, I know where you live asshole.” And mean it. Fuck’n A

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Half-Assed Innovations

Yesterday my wife and I were walking through the vacuum section of our local Target. While we were there she told me that Roseanne Barr made a great quote about vacuums.

"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day
Harrods comes out with a ride-on vacuum cleaner."
-Roseanne Barr-

So that got me thinking. Why shouldn’t there be a ride on vacuum cleaner? I came home and put the entire Hall-Assed Opinions Research and Development Staff on that very problem. Again, we here at H/A are always looking for ways to better mankind, as long as it doesn’t take too much time or energy.

Of coarse when you read the above statement you would assume that the idea is impossible, neigh ridiculous. That, however, is because people would immediately assume that any “ride on” item would look like a Ride on lawn mower. We here at H/A are innovators though. Remember the Segway? That rather useless contraption that was supposed to revolutionize our lives and change the way cities were designed? Stands on two wheels…you’ll see ‘em in Theme Parks. We realized that this would solve our size issue. Then, by simply fastening a Dyson Vacuum to the front using bungee cords and mounting a car battery to power the vacuum we had done it!We had taken a fastenating, yet remarkably unprofitable, invention (the Segway) and a wonderful, yet not self-driven, vacuum and combined them to make the world’s first ride on vacuum.

I was quite proud of this new labor saving device and have dubbed it The Seg-uum [patent pending]. Now, anyone with a severe aversion to manual labor, a penchant for hastily contrived technology and who has loads of money to blow can get this amazing devise. Basic models start at a reasonable $20,000.

All sales final. No refunds or exchanges. C.O.D. only no checks or money orders. Half-Assed Opinions will not be held liable for any damage to personal property, pets or children.

Now read some testimonials from some of our satisfied customers, just follow the link below!