Thursday, January 25, 2007

And Then...

Now that I’ve officially graduated I have found myself at the center of a torrent of activity surrounding the day of the, long awaited, graduation ceremony. From the very morning I found out LJ called me five times from her cubical to get my input on airline tickets. Calls were made; people informed and out of it all an avalanche of bluster. It is kinda weird; for so long now getting gradated seemed like this nebulous thing floating somewhere just out of reach. When the time actually came the moment was sort of a non-event. Yet, now I find myself having to make to-do lists to keep up with it all.

Let me share:

· Arrange for lodging

· Get Cap and Gown

· Frame Diploma

· Rewrite my falsified Resume

· Write derogatory and hate filled letter to High School Science teacher who said you’d never get a degree

· Call friends to arrange good times and drinking

· Make reservations for the swanky restaurant that I always promised myself I would eat at for graduation

· Come up with brilliant last prank to pull on my now alma mater

The thing is though that for years and years the top of my big “Life’s To-Do List” was dominated by graduating from college. Now that I’ve done that it just doesn’t seem right replacing it with the next thing down, winning a pie fight. So I’m struggling to figure out what my next big thing should be.

When I was 12, and I went to my fist SCUBA class, there was a poster on the wall. It showed the progression one could take in the many certifications of diving. At the pinnacle of the list was SCUBA Instructor. Most of my teen years were spent in motivation from that poster. I always imagined working up toward the next level and dreamed of someday reaching the top. Then, at age eighteen I achieved it. I never did teach any classes, but it did help me get into the field school at my university which led me here. Long story short; I am wondering what the next big thing is going to be.

Of course there is always graduate school; however it seems sort of dumb to finally get out of school just to jump right back in. Plus, it also feels like delaying the real decision. You know, what do I really want to do with my life, decision. Yeah, I like my job ok, yet there are and always will be things about it that I don’t like. Paramount among those things being that I am not using all of my potential. So, what now? I made a new years resolution to make twice as much as I am now, but maybe that isn’t the rout I should go. I dunno. Maybe an elected office, I know there is some sort of primary coming up next year.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Education Smeducation

For like the past year I have been playing this strange cat and mouse / telephone tag game with my University in Florida. I have been slowly, yet steadily, been making progress toward graduation. Well, the day finally came and it was a lot more unceremonious than I figured it would be. Some office peon just asked me for my social before she could talk to me further, probably to look at my GPA to see if she should be rude or not, when she got back on the line her exact words were “Oh, you’ve graduated”. “What?! Seriously?” I inquired. “Yep, you’re done”. As simple as that. LJ and I were on our way to work when I made the call; I guess it didn’t really sink in till later. So, now I am in the throws of planning for the graduation ceremony.

I must say this has been a looooooong time coming. Yeah, it has taken just under a decade to for me to do, but what can I say? Life, to me, has never been about competing against others as far as timeframes go. I had a really hard time with…well everything when it comes to school. I look at this more like me topping Everest rather than me coming in last in some “race”. Besides, I know a lot of people in my program who are waiting tables or doing other jobs that frankly are beneath their talents, who graduated on time and with a good GPA, yet I’m the one working in my field. Anyway, my diploma is on its way as well as my transcripts. Inconsequently, my middle name on the diploma will say “Danger” so that everyone will know how I live my life…Dangeresque.

On a completely different subject, someone from my old high school class just contacted me through myspace to send me an invite to our ten year reunion. Now, my question is, who really goes to those things and why? LJ and I talked about it and I came to the understanding that if you were raised in a small town where you literally knew everyone it would kinda make sense to go. However, I felt that the people you met in collage or in other places might be more important to you. The only reason I could figure people would go would be to measure themselves against others from the same origins. So, like if you became a celebrity or really successful you might want to go. Or maybe if you wanted to get one last shot at that girl (or guy) you always wanted to sleep with, then I could see that. Otherwise it kinda just seems like masturbation. I dunno, you tell me what you think.

Also, give me kudos on graduating…you ignorant plebs.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Dumber Days

LJ and I watched a movie tonight that set forth a series of events that led to this very post. The movie was Idiocracy, written by Mike Judge. It was one of the most horrific and terrifying movies I’ve ever seen. The premise is based on a man of totally average intelligence from our time getting frozen and reanimated in the distant future. Normally this wouldn’t be so bad, normally, but in this future everyone is an idiot. The reason is, intelligent people get bread out of existence while idiots of every creed, race, and socioeconomic class breed like jackrabbits. In 500 years the entire population is somewhere within the realm of 60 to 80 on the IQ charts.

After watching it LJ and I embroiled ourselves in our favorite pastime…arguing the same point but at different degrees. She believed that the population was probably doomed to such a fate while I believed that people will probably keep on as they have for thousands of years with equal numbers of intelligent and not so intelligent people roaming the Earth. At the end of the debate I decided that I needed to take an IQ test*.

Let me just sandbag for a moment. I took an IQ test at the age of like eleven and scored 111. It was explained to me that the average IQ fell somewhere between 90 and 110, putting me juuuuuust above average. So, I took an internet test to get a quick gauge and scored 131. “Hurray”, I thought before reading the next line down. Average has moved apparently, as the graph indicated that average falls anywhere between 70 and 130. “Crap”, I thought again, statistically sucker punched. At least I am still one point above average though.

So, I asked LJ what her IQ was and was answered with somewhere between 140 to 147. I also remember my brother taking an IQ test and getting like 138 or something. Let me put down my usual cloak of total intellectual superiority for just one moment and tell you all something serious. I have always felt that any friends worth my time were as smart as or smarter than me. There are a lot of people out there that I could never befriend due to the imbalance of conversational intelligence. I’m not trying to come off as pompous, but according to a free internet test that consisted of 50 questions and took less than 30min to complete, I am smarter than most of you out there…seriously. I admit that I feel that most of my friends are smarter than me, (revel in this moment it may be erased the next time you read this post) but that is what makes it fun for me. I feel that I can converse with those that can digest what I say and form a well thought out and concise reply. There I said it, ‘course how many of you think you are what I would consider a friend…let that roll around in your head for a while.

Back to topic: there are a lot of things out there that annoy people. For some its how people dress, for others it’s what region others may be from. Me, I get annoyed with stupidity. I hate it like a militant lesbian hates men. I look at so many things in our society that are just dumb. And I’m not just talking about what everyone considers dumb like Paris Hilton. No, things like organic food markets, ear candeling, the acceptance by Webster’s of the word irregardless, sending more troops to Iraq, network television, and so many others. Thomas Gray was right “Ignorance is bliss”, because if you’re halfway intellectual you live in a world of dumb-asses.

*I do NOT believe that the results of an IQ test does a smart person make. IQ tests are merely a standardized test that gauges how quickly one may learn something or the aptitude for learning. It isn’t even proven to be totally and completely accurate. At best it’s a ball park figure.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Myspace Must Die

…so that my intelligence may live.

Maybe a year ago I begrudgingly signed up for a myspace account. It didn’t really work for me at the time due to my slow-ass internet connection. The reason I even signed up was due to a huge shift in my actual friend network. You see all of us had what I consider actual blogs through blogger or other providers. Then everyone went to myspace. The question on my mind is why?

As far as I can tell myspace is a fancy, template based, way of posting stupid pictures linking dumb-ass youtube videos and sending ridiculous amounts of chain mail. Everyone who knows me knows that this particular post has been a long time coming. So, here we go.

I want you all to know that I intended on keeping my very blank myspace account, but that it will remain blank for freakin’ ever. I am doing this only so that I can read the two posts that my friends write a year and so that they can send me useless crap that I will not read or even open. I would now like to share with you some of the dumber chain-letter crap that I have received.

  • From my brother and sister:



When Jesus died on the cross he was thinking of you!

If you are one of the 3% who will stand up for him then repost this w/the title:


If you know me, you know that I have a complete disregard for the words "love", "sorry", and "repost". I'm also sure that Jesus is pleased as punch that all of you are remembering him through a crappy virtual hands across myspace, instead of going out and doing actual "good works" or whatever.

  • From my friend Beth

(random questions taken from one of like ten questionnaires she’s sent me)

Ever punch someone in the face?

Have you ever wished someone dead?

Ever seen a corpse?

Again, anyone who knows me knows that the answer to all of these questions are yes and if more of these things get sent to me the answer will become an emphatic yes.

Now, lets talk about the friggin’ pictures. Do I really need to see the picture of Johnny Cash flicking off the camera? What does that picture have to do with you? How about all the pictures of God damned Bam Margera. If you haven’t figured it out yet, I’ll spell it out for you. Bam is a tool. A tool used to sell deodorant and other such items to stupid young morons. He is only famous for the same reasons as Tom Green. Hold up, I’m getting off track; this could be a whole nother post. You aren't clever for putting these pictures up, you are a tool like Bam is a tool. It adds nothing to your image and says nothing about who you are.

All I’m saying is if you want to keep in touch with your friends then the technology has been around since the advent of the cell phone. The cell phone market has allowed losers to use such things as text messaging (which is also a huge waist of time and energy), and ring-back tones so that everyone will know that you love the show Knight Rider…or Ludacris...or whoever no one really cares to hear. Also email allows you to send stupid messages to everyone at the click of a button. So why waist time on a psudo webpage if you could do it just as easily through email. Finally, IM. IM was and is the basis for all of this crap. When some genius decided he could make funny looking smiley emoticons he opened the friggin’ flood gates. From smiley’s to pictures of Bam it was a process that took less than five years (a single tear rolls down my cheek). I’m not saying IM was bad. I’m only saying that the invention of fully colored and moving emoticons changed everything.

Now, to the point. I just want you all to know that I literally check my myspace account once every week, sometimes less, and I rarely if ever check anyone elses account unless prompted to by email or cellphone conversation. I will NEVER respond to anything that even resembles a chain-letter. And finally, my myspace account will be the blandest and most void area in all of the myspace…space. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. If you want a website then have a reason to have it. Put something out there. Be interesting; don’t just slap the equivalent of virtual bumper stickers all over it. Quality over content people, quality over content.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Jelly Stains & Farts

I was out surveying at work today when I noticed that my fingers were sticky. I did the inevitable look down and saw that during lunch I had dripped some delicious blackberry jelly all down the side of my shirt. I had then subsequently gotten it all over my trusty GPS (no, not my new sporty personal one; the $3,000 one from my office). As I was using my fingers as a squeegee and savoring the sweet, slightly gritty leavings of my lunch I came to a revelation.

When I have kids I could totally blame shit like that on them! “Hey buddy, you’ve got some brown stuff on your shirt.” “Oh, yeah that’s chocolate. My kid was eating a Snak-Pak and some must have gotten away from him… (sigh)…kids.” Or better yet; “Honey we need more Snak-Paks, it seems Billy went through all of them.” “In only three days?!” “Yup, that little sucker loves pudding. Heh, like father like son I guess… (sigh)…kids.”

Then I really got to thinking about it. A few years ago I got really bad heartburn while LJ’s parents were over one night. Her mom suggested that I mix some water and baking soda and that that would take care of it. I skeptically gave her home remody a shot and it worked, it actually worked. Unfortunately though, much like a fourth grader’s papier-mâché volcano science project, my stomach acids reacted to the baking soda with all sorts of fizzy fury. I started laying down some incredibly foul belches. They were so heinous in fact that at one point my mother-in-law commented that my completely innocent dog must have been the culprit of the horrific odors. In my awkwardness I immediately joined in and blamed him as well (sorry Zeus). Well, thinking about this I immediately came to the conclusion that I could easily lay the blame for any nasty belches or errant farts on dirty diapers. Brilliant.

I’m in no way saying that I won’t love my children. I just think they will be a rather convenient scapegoat until the age they can rebuff my accusations with a well formulated and concise counter argument. So, ostensibly never. I can see it now. There we all are in the family room. LJ wrinkles her nose in disgust and asks who disrespected her house. At that point I quickly chime in with “Billy must have. You remember how he was as a kid.” “Dad please stop doing that. I’m 26 now and have full control of all my bodily functions. Besides it was never me growing up it was always you. Don’t you think its time you started taking responsibility for your own farts?” At which point I respond, “Your argument is flawed from here to next Tuesday. Let me just break it down point by point…” Until, everyone is too tired and confused to assign blame. God, I’m going to love having kids.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

The Happiest Holiday

Hello all. LJ and I just got back from our trip to Atlanta for the holidays. “Was it fun?” Yes, faithful reader it was fun, but then LJ and I are fun people. We could have fun at a sponge museum. “Was it stressful?” Yes, again inquisitive reader. As most holidays are and as it is when time is a limiting factor it was stressful. I felt that LJ and I did rather well though. She was even brought tears at the thought of leaving.

So what did we get, well there were so many great gifts that I am only going to list a few. First I got Karaoke revolution for the PS2 from LJ. So, now instead of just busting my mad dancing grooves with DDR, I can bust my even awesomer vocal grooves to such classic hits as Everybody Wants to Rule the World, (She’s a) Brick House, Sweet Caroline, and much much more! (upstairs neighbors beware). My parents got me a super sweet GPS. We all went geocaching for the last few days; a new outdoor hobby I am getting into and whole heartedly endorse. It’s like getting to find buried treasure everywhere…I love it. My grandparents got me the first four Dark Tower novels by Stephen King. I have wanted those for like forever. Oh, and LJ got me those rubber band-gun armatures. I can’t wait to start designing my rubber band weapons (upstairs neighbors beware). My sister got me a pirate shirt that I have been wearing since I got it. My Brother gave me like the best and most thoughtful gift he has ever given me, The fourth season of Futurama (a show LJ and I just love), but unfortunately we already had it. So, I exchanged it today for two movies I have wanted for years but could never justify the expense. So Yay!

But Christmas isn’t about just getting awesome gifts despite what any eight year old may tell you. Some of the gifts that we gave that I am most proud of include a “Noseometer” a set of ceramic noses cast from LJ’s and my own perfect beaks. It’s going to be too hard to explain this one so we’ll just leave it there. An “E-ticket” from the olden days of Disney World that we gave to my grandparents.

The best though, or most sacrilegious…depending on how you’re counting, was my gift to Mike and Courtney. Now, when I give a gift I don’t just like to give some bauble you can fawn over for the requisite minute or two before tossing it into the back of your closet never to be seen unless re-gifted some day. No, I like to give powers also. This year I bestowed the power of the clergy to my unsuspecting friends. Through the looseness of our laws, the freedom of religion, and the ease of the internet I was able to ordain my buddies. Now, with their beginners clergy packs including an ID card, an embossed frame able certificate, and a blank marriage certificate that is legal in 45 states (FU Arkansas) they have all rights and privileges of a man of the clothe. They also have the right to use clergy parking at any facility that has such. Like hospitals, religious institutes, and the Republican Party’s national headquarters. Now that is one hell of a gift.

We had a great time though, and can’t wait to go back. So, did you guys have a good Christmas too?