Friday, November 18, 2005

Is it Cold Enough for Ya?

It is cold down here in Pensacola…balls cold. So I was thinking about it the other day when I came home from work, walked past my neighbor and into my house. Cold can be an interesting thing, for example:

  • You can get hypothermia at only 95°
  • The common fish can have a body temp. between 74° and 82°
  • It is best to drink wine at 80°
  • Yet, wine ferments between 69° and 65°
  • Most refrigerators are set to 60°
  • Illinois mean temperature is only 50°
  • Average difference between indoor/outdoor temps. is 45°
  • The water in beer will freeze at 32° but the alcohol will not
  • Inversely, my redneck neighbor will sit outside in his folding chair, smoking a cigarette, without a shirt on, in his cutoff jean-shorts at any of these temperatures…though his beer may in fact be frozen.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Parenting is for Suckers

A frazzled mother came into my work a few days ago and was asking me about getting a new cell phone. While I was answering her questions I couldn’t help but notice the 2 year old in her arms struggling like a trout in the arms of a bear. The mother grabbed a box from a nearby shelf to try and appease the increasingly active child but nothing seemed to suffice. The kid wasn’t crying or anything, she was just antsy. So, finally the mother put the toddler down so she could concentrate on my brilliantly crafted sales pitch for the high-priced crap I was selling. The toddler in the meantime was ambling about my legs and trying to get my attention with the aforementioned box. Finally with nothing more than a quick glance and with no break in my sales spiel I took the box and tossed it a few feet away with the words “Go get it!” then seamlessly returned to the sale at hand.

The mother had a mildly shocked look on her face, but afraid to loose the sale I continued to pitch. When her daughter returned to my legs a second time after retrieving the box I repeated my first action with the words “Good girl” in front, then “Go get it” again. When I looked back at the mother this time she looked pissed. “Are you playing fetch with my daughter!?” she asked. Before I could reply with anything more than an “uhhhhh”, she had swooped up the kid, who was on her way back with the box I might add, and walked angrily out of the store.

The lesson here is two fold. One: Parents always think their kid is frick’n Einstein or Martin Luther King Jr. so it is undignified to play “Dog Games” with them. And Two: Kids love “Dog Games”.

I guess the reason I am even thinking of kids right now is because my Sister-in-law just had a baby girl named Olivia Jean ____. From what I hear she is cute as hell and probably as smart as frick’n Einstein or Martin Luther King Jr. Anyway, congrats to LJ and me (Her middle name was in honor of LJ).

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Pranks, Mischief and Dirty Deeds

I love pranks. I love the planning, the excitement of the moment that you are putting it all together, and the humor that goes along with the whole thing. I was a prankster from a young age ‘till now. I can remember my first prank was when I was ten or so and discovered that salt was invisible in water. I salted the ice trays in our freezer so as to prank anyone who wanted a cold drink. Little did I know that the next day my mother was having a bunch of ladies over and they all had ice tea. My mother just couldn’t understand why no one drank any tea, until I came clean that is. I got a spanking for that but I knew it was worth it. Over the years I have amassed a rather decent collection of pranking props from fake poo to “fart detectors”.

Later in college I joined a fraternity comprised of guys with no imagination for pranks but who all wanted to pull some off. I organized many pranks with them. Yes, it was I who planned the hanging of rival frat letters from three of the tallest buildings on campus. I was the one who set up the sprinkler on top of the Anthropology building to ice the huge tree outside of it (both times). And I who organized the hanging toilets in the quad. Not to mention various pranks that I pulled on friends and relatives (you know who you are).

So this past Halloween LJ, Mike and I were sitting around the house discussing what we should do with our evening when I blurted out “Hey, why don’t we go do some Halloween pranks on someone.” We thought about it and decided to pull a classic on some friends. I gathered all the dog poo I could find and put it into a paper bag then we all drove over to a friend’s house. Yeah, we set it on fire then ran off. Old, I know, but just classic. Funny stuff. Hence they have stolen a statue of Buddha from our backyard and taken it around town taking pictures. Also, they put a dead lobster in Mike’s truck.

Pretty good, so now we find ourselves in the middle of what has been aptly dubbed a “Prank-War”.

I want you all to know that through the years I have followed my own simple guidelines as far as pranks were concerned.

  1. Nothing destructive: So nothing like keying someone’s car or slashing tires
  2. Nothing that will cost the prankee time or money: So nothing like taking wheels off their car so they can’t get to work on time.
  3. Nothing publicly humiliating: So no posting nude pictures or telling dark secrets.
  4. They all have to be good-natured: Use your best judgment here.

With these rules as boundaries I have been able to prank close friends and not come off as a total jerk. Anyway, the group that we are warring against was trying to come up with some guidelines and maybe this will help. I have known good pranksters who have gone a little too far and either lost friends or even ended up in jail. I hope to update you guys soon on what is going on. Maybe there will be some good stories to tell.