Biscuit-Gauge

Warning: The following is an account of real events that may
or may not have actually happend.

I heard this story on the radio a while back and thought it was hilarious, so I wanted to share it with everyone who may not have heard it.

A woman goes to a grocery store one hot afternoon. As she is walking through the parking lot to enter the store she sees a woman in her car with her head resting on the steering wheel. She thinks the woman is just resting; it is a hot day after all. She goes in, gets her groceries and leaves the store. On her way out she sees that the woman is still there in the parking lot with her head still on the steering wheel. “Maybe she is having trouble of some sort”, the woman thinks. So, she approaches the car to help. She bends over and asks the woman in the car if she is all right. “I’ve been shot”, the woman responds. In surprise the Good Samaritan asks, “where?” “In the back of the neck. I got into my car after putting my groceries in the back and then I heard a shot and felt something hit the back of my neck.” The Samaritan carefully checks the back of her neck expecting a horrible gunshot wound. Instead she finds…a biscuit. Upon further investigation the Samaritan found an exploded can of instant biscuits in the backseat of the car. Apparently the woman had come out to her car on this hot day, placed her groceries in the backseat then got in the front as the can of biscuit dough in the back exploded shooting biscuit shrapnel, against all odds, too the back of her neck. The Samaritan leaned back toward the woman and uttered the comforting words, “Um, it’s a biscuit”.

I love this story. It just strikes me right in the funny bone with a supersonic biscuit projectile. I have been told however that this is actually an urban legend, but that isn’t the point. Even a good urban legend can be funny or scary or just entertaining. Anyway from now on I am going to handle my instant biscuit can as carefully as a loaded gun. You just never know when it might go off like a buscuit-gauge shotgun.

There’s a party over here

…everybody bring your own beer?

Well, we started listening to some Flogging Molly tonight and that lead to talk of a St. Patty’s Day party. It’s a while away but the prime ingredient in any good theme party is preparation. We have to make up some invites and get the place ready and come up with what we should serve, etc. etc.

I’m kinda stoked. I haven’t thrown a party in a long while. I hope its big (not too big) but I also want it to be good, i.e. people are dancing, games are played, ya know…fun. I have been to several parties and some are flops but some are great. I just don’t want this to end up being the old standard high school kegger.

It seems that people my age only know one party format. Come to party at which will be a keg in back then drink yourself into a stupor and vomit somewhere after having sat in one location all night then leave for home and talk about how that party was the best ever. The merit of said party being scaled by how much alcohol you’ve consumed. I just think that alcohol is good as a social lubricant, but it shouldn’t be the focal point. I yearn to have a social network of people who can bring fun with them and not rely on drunkenness for it.

Tonight, for example, we were all downstairs hanging out. I threw on a CD I that had some Michael Jackson on it and we all started dancing like to Thriller and Billy Jean and such. It was great! Mike was getting his groove on. I honestly don’t know why he doesn’t dance when he goes out places. That dude has some rhythm. Point is, seeing someone comfortable enough to give a shot at the thriller dance (totally sober) makes me think “Now here is a person who can have a good time and spread that feeling around.”

If anyone has any good party suggestions give’em up. We will be trying to throw a song list together, so if you wanna suggest some good St. Patrick’s day dance or just party music leave a comment.

Here's how its gonna end

Take that Revalations!

Not that my bro ever reads my page but… props to you dude. Here is a link that my brother found somewhere and its actually pretty funny. It may take a while if you gots the dial up but it may be worth it.

www.endofworld.net

And here's how I look now with the new do

Why ask Why? Paintball or Die!

My roomy Mike got back from New York and told me that he got his hands on a paintball gun. This is a can of worms. “Why”, you may ask? Because, I love paintball but it can be frustrating to say the least.

For one reason, organizing a day of paintball with friends can be an overwhelming process. You can call all sorts of people who do or do not have guns and who will tell you they may or may not be there. Then on the morning of two people will show up and the others decided not to come for various reasons. Then there is the cost. For a paintball gun to operate you need CO2, ammo, and parts (O-rings, oil, etc.) and all of these things add up. Not to mention that you need a place to play. I hate playing at a local paintball field where you have to pay to play and then you have to be grouped with either FNG’s (Fucking New Guys) or the ever present rich kids who are toting the latest in paintball technology.

I know what you’re all thinking too “Why not just let others invite you and let them do all the planning?” I will, but its going to scratch at my brain every time I think that there could be a game in the works and its going to fall through.

All that aside, I love paintball. The times I have spent in the woods shooting mercilessly at my comrades have been some really good memories. I love the feeling of hunting and being hunted. I love that awesome feeling when you have shot two guys and are going on to your third or fourth for a win. It’s great! You get this sort of constant adrenalin rush. Even coming back at the end of a day of all out war and cleaning your gun while hanging out with your team and discussing the events on the field can be exhilarating.

My feelings though are conflicted. Not long ago I had resigned myself to never play paintball again. The sport is expensive and time consuming. The gear sits even now in a duffle bag at the back of a storage closet. It hasn’t seen the light of day for almost a year. I’ve even tossed around the idea of selling it, but I don’t think I can. I find myself dreaming of pulling out the body armor and re-fixing my rig. I know this will just drive me nuts in the end, but I can’t help it. Right now I just want to run through the woods like a kid and mock-kill all who stand in my way. I bet I would feel this way about rock climbing if I was living back up in Georgia and the cliffs were a mere 20min bike ride away. Climbing or biking or hiking is all cool because you need no one else to do them. Oh well, I guess I’ll just wait until Mike gets his gun and then just let events unfold as they will.

Friends & Family

I haven’t posted in a while so through some not too subtle encouragement from my roomy, and wife here it is…

Bonus Blog #2

Curse of the Writer’s Block

Blog 1

When was the last time you made a friend? A real friend? I’m not talking about having a brief conversation with a stranger, or the person that you talk to on the other end of a 900 number…you pervert. No, I’m talking about putting yourself out there and making a lasting friendship. The last real friend that I made was a guy named Courtney, but we don’t hang out because he lives in Birmingham now and there in lies the problem. My network of friends is dwindling.
Last night I had a conversation with my wife and our roommate, we were talking about how we don’t have a lot of friends anymore. Everyone has either moved away or drifted away. This brings me to my point. We all need new friends. This, however, can be a difficult thing, especially if you haven’t made any for a while. So we are all discussing and LJ decides that she will start up her long planned Stitch n’ Bitch club, while Mike decides he needs to get out there and engage people more.

Fast Forward

Four days later I am typing up this post and LJ has the beginnings of a club and a possibility for some new friends and Mike has gotten a girl’s number. Man, I’m pathetic. I used to be the leader of new movements in any of my friend groups. I mean really! “Bizarro”, remember that Courtney? Or Paintball? Or even the original poker night, damn it! Now I have been shown up not once but twice in a matter of days. Ok, deep breath.
I have to find myself a friend and fast. Maybe I can solicit myself to a club on campus, or just tie some meat around my waist and walk around town hoping to gather some strays. Ugh. I may be thinking about this too hard.
One thing though, and this goes out to all those young couples out there. It is damn hard to be married and make single friends. One: your spouse has to be cool with you choosing to spend time with someone other than them. And Two: Your single friend has to be cool with you having a spouse. When you get married its as though people assume you have switched sides on some invisible game field. You can’t always relate to people who are single because they have different outlooks on things.
Back to topic. I need to make an effort to meet someone new. If not for me then just for my pride. Damn…

Blog 2

I talked to my sister the other day. She was all excited about going on a trip to London as a part of a study abroad program. From what I know she would go for just shy of five weeks to a university in London where she would have class two days out of every week and get 3 hrs credit by the end. In that time she would also be able to take trips to other European countries if she was so inclined. The class that she would take would be art appreciation, which as far as I know would not do a whole lot for her major and may or may not transfer to another school. The trip costs in total around $5,000. My family’s reaction was negative and for many good reasons.I talked to her about it and tried to, I guess, share a different perspective on the trip. In the end I think she felt like everyone was against her. I think I upset her a lot as well. I didn’t mean to but it is one of those things.EX: Your friend thinks it would be a good idea to buy a used car. When he/she sees this car they see it through rose tinted glasses, but you being somewhat removed see the car as a bit overpriced and in the end not really what your friend will want or need. So, yeah they’ll spend the money and have a great time with the car for awhile until they realize a year down the road that maybe they should have put that money into something better. You want your friend to be happy, so some small part of you wants them to get it. Hell, why not? Throw caution to the wind. But then you remember how it was when you bought the shit-heap your driving and want to spare your friend your mistake.Anyway, I hope my sister isn’t too pissed at me. I want her to be happy. I just think that maybe instead of doing this she could invest that time and money into finding a bitchen pad and apply to some great college. Right now she feels pressured from my family to go to Georgia State. She may want to go else ware, maybe out of state. I think she should. It’s not impossible and besides college is the perfect time to move out and see what the real world is really like.My choices through college have been fraught with mistakes, heartbreak, and failure. However, I can look back with 20-20 vision. I think that through painful example or road weary advice I can give some small help. In the end it’s her own choice. She is an adult and has to make these kinds of decisions for herself. Sometimes though we need to curb our enthusiasm for something enough to allow our heads to see clearly. The most significant obstacle that can stand in anyone’s way of his or her goals is that of inaction. So, get your butt movin’ girl, no one can do it for ya. I’ll be here if you need me.