Eat Shit

So, I was out walking my dog the other day and per usual, Zeus, my eighty pound wonder-mutt, suddenly was dragging me over to something he had to check out. Before I could stop him he scarfed down a sizable chunk of dog poo. “Great” I think. I feel like the parent of the child who is constantly eating glue or some other rather nasty little habit. As I’m walking back to the apartment, Zeus happily bounding in front, satisfied no doubt in his found culinary treasure, I was thinking “Hmmm, why is there such a stigma attached to this?”

Yeah, yeah I know its poo. I know, I know. Gross as it is to us, maybe dogs just like the taste. I mean they aren’t pent up by social graces like we are and they aren’t people so why stress about it. Why not embrace it as their natural preference. Look at it this way you don’t get on your dog for liking the crotch notch and you don’t get onto them for sniffing other dog’s poop chutes, so why get on them about eating sod snickers? (Too much rhyming?) Anyway, so thinking about it I decided to give the idea to the old Half-Assed Innovations crew as I do any other half conceived notions. And here is what they gave me.

Here’s the thing: No overhead cost for product production or R&D. Simple box and wrapper design. All we need to do is alter people’s preconceived notions that dogs shouldn’t eat poo. Once that’s done its all profit baby.

Oh, yeah and while they were working on it the H/A staff also gave me this idea for future market development…”Scroungey’s Grab-Bag”, much the same as Pooties only for babies. We will just fill the boxes with anything a toddler might find and want to put in its mouth. With an adorable toddler aged mascot who looks like a sailor and is always searching for the next treat to taste. I had one word for my staff at that point…”brilliant”.

Conversations with LJ

Conversation 1

Mark: Wanna play Risk tonight?

LJ: No, I mean you’re always in the mood for world domination. Me, not so much.

Mark: So true.

Conversation 2

LJ: How was that movie about World War II?

Mark: Eh, it was ok. A little too dramatic, but ok. Well, it was about the last days in Hitler’s bunker, but still over dramatic.

Job Satisfaction

Hey everybody, sorry I haven’t blogged in a while but, I have had a hectic few weeks. Lets see, I sold my little Honda to an unsuspecting dupe. I have lost five pounds. I went to San Francisco with LJ (but I’ll let her tell that story). I ate the world’s hottest Thai food. I saw a robot pterodactyl fighting with a knight. I saw a homemade jet pack. I went to a haunted house. I discovered a whole new petroglyph (rock art) site that no one has seen since it was made. And finally I went to a small town called Ely (pronounced eelee) where a dog barked at me, then a girl barked at me…weird. Anyway I wanna tell you guys about my new job. (All true I swear to you)

So for years I have had to toil in retail jobs, and service jobs. Always working for minimal or close to minimal pay, and always doing something that I found to be beneath my abilities. I’m not trying to sound arrogant but c’mon, it’s true. Anyone who has a high school education shouldn’t have to work with ex-convicts. So lets see, why is my current job vastly better than any job I have ever had before?

I am appreciated from the get go. Everyone knows I have enough brains to be told something kinda complex once and then be able to do it again. Not to mention be able to expand on it with no explanations. I am responsible for at least $2,000 worth of equipment from the get go with no warnings or supervisors. My job takes me places that are way off the beaten path. I get to see environments that are so completely foreign to me that any little thing is a total thrill. Hmmm, I’ve seen wild horses, huge lizards, eagles, elk, antelope, deer, huge anthills, marmots, quail, rattlesnakes, and huge buzzards; all from a relative closeness that you couldn’t get from a zoo. Every day we are looking for something new so no repetitious work. One day I could be after an ancient Native American site or maybe old mining camps. I have personally found historic cans, mine shafts, prehistoric tools, rock shelters, and petroglyphs (ancient native rock art).

I guess what I’m trying to say is that for a “professional” type job this is more fun than I could have ever imagined. I get to hike around all day for four days then get three days off back to back, or work eight days straight in a paid for hotel in some remote part of Nevada, meals included, then come back to six days off. How could I have gotten so lucky?

Oh, maybe I haven’t mentioned the best part. When I go out and someone asks me what I do I get to say, “Oh me? I’m just an…ARCHAEOLOGIST.” Then sit back while they all go nuts. Its like telling someone you’re a secret agent then letting them buy you a martini while they hold your two way wrist communicator and call all their friends over to get a look. LJ and I went to a historic site recently and when we were finished with the tour I let it drop that I worked for an archaeological firm and from there I was In like Flint. The mood always seems to change, it’s great.

So anyway, there you have it. I am now Mark the successful, intelligent, handsome, and modest archaeologist instead of Mark the under-appreciated retail gimp. I am leaving for another eight day stint but unlike last time I have left two or three more blogs, pre-typed, and ready for LJ to post at given intervals. So you can all bask in my semi-humorous writings. ‘Till later my friends.

P.S. I have yet to punch my first Nazi but I have been assured it will happen. I just have to be patient.