Saturday, June 04, 2005

Close-Quarters Combat

The other day my dog, Zeus, was being a real jerk. He was barking for no good reason, snapping at my roommate and his dog, and generally running amuck. So I did what any good parent should do; I used physical punishment to calm him down. No, I didn’t hit him. I got out the most readily available squirt gun in the house. It just happened to be a rather large “Super-Soaker”. It did the trick but then the Super-Soaker was left out for any additional “parenting” that needed doing. This was a mistake that would later come back and haunt me.

The day after, I’m watching TV or something and I hear my wife screaming. I jump up and head to her to see what’s going on. I find my wife backed into an upstairs corner with Mike pointing the Super-Soaker at her with that menacing grin we all get from holding a water gun on someone unarmed. I ask what is going on. It seems that they had a bit of a verbal putdown contest going on when Mike saw the gun and decided it could be ended quickly in his favor. I acted fast, knowing the only way to resolve a situation like this, so as no one walks away soaked, is to give the armed person whatever he or she wants. I just happened to know what Mike wanted; a copy of some software we had. I just hoped it was enough.

“Hold on. I’ll be back with the disc”, I said. Seconds later, with the disc in hand, I told Mike that the only way he would get the software was if he put the gun down in the middle of the hall and backed away. He thought about it, and then the trusting fool did! No sooner than I saw the gun on the ground I grabbed it. Mike jumped at me so that the tide wouldn’t be turned without fight. So there we were in the upstairs hallway in a desperate struggle to see who would be shot. We wrestled back and forth, sometimes dangerously close to the stairs. Some aimless shots were fired, hitting only the walls and floor. Then I remembered LJ.

Quickly I turned with Mike on my back and told LJ to take the gun. As the gun left my hand Mike got me in a full nelson and another standoff began. I told her “Don’t worry about me just shoot him.” As I struggled left and right to give her a clear shot I could feel Mike dodging behind me. At pointblank range LJ fired.

Now, you’d think that anyone at pointblank range in a small hallway would be able to land a shot on their desired target. Anyone who thinks that needs to watch some girls who never really played with squirt guns. Sufficed to say she got us both. Yes, I got nailed in the head, hard-core, and mike was shot while making a break for his room after I fell to the ground like I was dead. It was great.

I guess the point of all this is that living in your own house and making your own rules is awesome. My parents would have stopped that whole scene from playing out had we all been younger. How many of us have been told “No horseplay in the house” or “Stop that right now”, by our parents. I feel a little silliness can be a wonderful thing. It doesn’t happen all the time but when it does it makes you feel great. Plus, usually nothing gets broken and if it does, well so what? I love the freedoms I have now.

  • Staying up late
  • Making a mess…anywhere
  • Playing loud, LOUD music.
  • Running in the house
  • Playing baseball in the house
  • Etc.

To all those out there who still live with your parents (even unofficially) move out! Move Out NOW! It’s super cool.


LJ said...

yes, Patrick - that means you.

Oh, and i really like having icecream for dinner and pizza for breakfast. I won't mention the more personal benefits :-)

bobo said...

I have theme song for you. Look for a Toronto band called "The Pursuit of Happiness" and their single, "I'm an Adult Now." It was a late 80s anthem but don't late that dissuade you. Here is a taste of the lyrics:

Well, I don't hate my parents
I don't get drunk just to spite them
I've got my own reasons to drink now
Think I'll call my dad up and invite him
I can sleep in 'til noon anytime I want
Though there's not many days that I do
Gotta get up and take on that world
When you're an adult it's no cliche, it's the truth

Bobo said...


Got your email, thanks. My wife was a Peace Corps Volunteer and then returned as a staff member a few years later. I actually worked for the US Agency for International Development.

The Peace Corps is cool and living in a developing country is amazing experience that will enrich your life.

Bob said...

famliey rols

1. NO smacing
2. NO Gasoping
3. bo Not fogetto flosthe tolit
4. NO Intoropting
5. Win you are told to dow somthing do ti.
6. bo not inropt
7. wen it is tim for bid do it
8. bo not hit
9. do not yel
10. Respt othrs
11. Wen you ee som won neyds halp Halp
12. do not thro fode
Thes rol re yeeto go on.
13. do not slep on enybdys bed

God, being an empty nester is great!


mommyjolle said...

Dad and I would like to thank you for leaving the other assorted squirt guns, boxing gloves, bows and arrows etc. when you and Patrick moved out. Now that we don't have children to be role models for we can jump on the bed, color on the walls and generally raise hell like we used to! yaaaaaaaaay!

I hope when you become parents you will remember who's watching you!

Mad Mike said...

You were dead in my site and I chose to let you live. In good faith I put the gun down and was ambushed. I see that brillig lives by no code other than looking out for number 1, or atually 2 because I'm number one.

Mad Mike said...

oh yeah and I thougt my dog looked gay.

Brillig said...

When presnted the oportunity, one must destroy their enemy so that they can never pose a threat again (Sun Tzu). thinking back I should have brought water balloons to make sure the job was done...forever.

Your New Sleeping Aid said...

That list of rules is great. Though I must say, your spelling hasn't improved much since high school, Mark.

Brian said...

I agree!!

I also can drink as much as i want without being told i should pace myself! :)

Your New Sleeping Aid said...

I drank two cokes yesterday! Mwahaahaaa.
Have you gotten those damn contacts in yet?