Sunday, July 02, 2006

Putting the ‘Dis’ in Dysfunctional

So, LJ has been riding my case about having kids for like the last three months or more. It has gotten serious enough that when she goes to Wal-Mart, Target or any other clothes retailer she might want to stop by the kid sections to look at baby clothes. Maybe she’ll just tell me about reading numerous articles or blogs about babies. Hell, today we had to go to Babies R’ Us just so that she could look at baby room furniture.

Its not that I don’t want to have kids, it isn’t that I don’t like kids. It’s just that I don’t know if I can handle kids in a daddly way yet. For example I just know that to me having a kid around would just be, in my mind, supplying me with a punching bag for practical jokes. Now, before any of you fly off the handle you have to realize that this is just about normal behavior in my family. For the first five years of my life my father, in a rather brilliant parenting ploy, had me convinced that he had killed and devoured my older brother because he had misbehaved so grievously one day. Honestly this may have kept me inline somewhat for a time. I’m only trying to illustrate that in my family it was okay to bend the truth with your children because, hey they were easy dupes and it was amusing for the adults.

I can just imagine myself doing all sorts of crazy-ass things to my kids simply for my own amusement. Just off the top of my head the other day I thought about how funny it would be to sneak into my kid’s room at night and pee in his or her sock drawer. Then the next morning when they come running downstairs to tell me that their sock drawer smells like pee, I can look up from my coffee, with a shocked and dismayed look on my face, and say “Oh…jeeze…Well, some kids have this problem…I guess. You know Billy most kids have trouble with wetting the bed but you must be extra messed up…you pee the sock drawer in your sleep. How embarrassing.” Or maybe while they are at school I could raise their bike seat a little bit every day for a week until they come and tell me that their feet don’t reach the peddles anymore. At this point I say something like “Well Susie most kids your age grow up, but I guess you’re shrinking. Not a lot of kids shrink you know. You should be happy though, it’s kinda like winning the genetic freak lottery. Still your Mom and I are pretty disappointed though…(sigh).”

God, that is some heartless shit. That is way worse than any of the pranks I pulled on Mike or Danny, Beth and Brad. I just feel like maybe I need time to mature a little more. I am more concerned with my toys than the possibility of buying some other kid toys. I want a motorcycle damn it! Still, the idea of having a little kid to mold into a pranking-video gaming-punk music listening-machine. That…could be kinda fun. LJ seems enamored with the idea. Sometimes it’s all she ever talks about. It just worries me because it is so much responsibility and we have so many other things going on right now. My mind is just filled with the neat things I would love to do with the kid, but then I think of all the things I have to do for the kid. I’m a little scared. You know my Dad always told me that he wanted a sports car but my Mom wanted children, and she got her way. I better get that motorcycle.


Thousandlegs said...

I concur, sir. I don't think that I'm completely ready for children yet either. Now, before the old jokes start bubbling in your mind or you say "but, damn, Danny is too old to be thinking about having children" don't. Beth and I will have kids someday. Anyway, I can still appreciate your not being ready to have children. You guys shouldn't be worrying about having children at this point though. You're only, what, 19 or 20. Life after children bears no resemblance to life before. Vive la motorcycle.

Da Beef said...

I want kids too...but just not quite yet. I think we are all in the same boat. There are so many things that need to fall in place before we can have kids and it just isn't that way yet. I think that you guys will know when you are ready. Why is it all of a sudden? Before you guys left, LJ told me "Kids don't make you happy". I hope she is wanting them right now for the right reasons. Plus, you gotta move some parents out there with you or something have to have a permanent babysitter!

madmikeyking said...

Ohhh man! I say go for it. I think your totally ready. You may have to pawn the playstation for baby clothes and you can ride my motorcycle when I come by and visit. See man your not losing out on much, I mean daycare is only about half as much as one of your salaries, who needs toys anyways.
Tell Laura I miss her and good luck on not being a daddy for awhile. Thanks for the b-day gift man.

super_spam said...

Stephanie is also very much in baby mode so I can totally emphasize with you.

Has LJ started reading the nest yet??

mommyjolle said...

Sage advice from mom:
1) You never think you are ready
2) When I went to tell your Dad that I was pregnant with you, his response was to tell me to get my feet off the carpet he had just cleaned!
3. Looking at stuff gives you an idea of how enormously expensive children can be (and still are I might you know how much this trip to Reno is going to cost?!!)
4. Nothing is more fun, aggravating and worthwhile in your life. It opens your eyes to see the world for the first time all over again.

Anonymous said...

It was a 1967, 427, 435 horsepower Corvette with factory air and a four speed for $6300. I'll always hate you, Mark!

Love, Dad