Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Half-Assed Innovations

Yesterday my wife and I were walking through the vacuum section of our local Target. While we were there she told me that Roseanne Barr made a great quote about vacuums.

"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day
Harrods comes out with a ride-on vacuum cleaner."
-Roseanne Barr-

So that got me thinking. Why shouldn’t there be a ride on vacuum cleaner? I came home and put the entire Hall-Assed Opinions Research and Development Staff on that very problem. Again, we here at H/A are always looking for ways to better mankind, as long as it doesn’t take too much time or energy.

Of coarse when you read the above statement you would assume that the idea is impossible, neigh ridiculous. That, however, is because people would immediately assume that any “ride on” item would look like a Ride on lawn mower. We here at H/A are innovators though. Remember the Segway? That rather useless contraption that was supposed to revolutionize our lives and change the way cities were designed? Stands on two wheels…you’ll see ‘em in Theme Parks. We realized that this would solve our size issue. Then, by simply fastening a Dyson Vacuum to the front using bungee cords and mounting a car battery to power the vacuum we had done it!We had taken a fastenating, yet remarkably unprofitable, invention (the Segway) and a wonderful, yet not self-driven, vacuum and combined them to make the world’s first ride on vacuum.

I was quite proud of this new labor saving device and have dubbed it The Seg-uum [patent pending]. Now, anyone with a severe aversion to manual labor, a penchant for hastily contrived technology and who has loads of money to blow can get this amazing devise. Basic models start at a reasonable $20,000.

All sales final. No refunds or exchanges. C.O.D. only no checks or money orders. Half-Assed Opinions will not be held liable for any damage to personal property, pets or children.

Now read some testimonials from some of our satisfied customers, just follow the link below!

9 comments:

Your New Sleeping Aid said...

This is, indeed an outstanding idea, however i must point out one minor problem.... With that get-up you cannot tip the vacuum to get it low under things like tables and chairs. Else you might fall backward on your fat roseanne ass. Good try though. Perhaps the half assed research team could use a new lead analyst. I am willing to whore myself out for the right price....

Da Beef said...

Sounds cool, but like ol' Courtney, I thought about the fact that you wouldn't be able to get it under things with those monstrous wheels and all. But you could do an infomercial. Those folks will buy anything. I admit it....I've been up in the wee hours of the morning suffering from my plight of insomnia, and decided to waste my moolah on something that I just couldn't go without. If I had only seen that one with the riding vaccuum on it!

Brillig said...

Good point consumers! When we initially designed the Seg-uum we were relying on very little “actual” vacuuming experience. To better serve our clientele though H/A will also offer an attachment that will hold any gas-powered leaf-blower (as the gas powered ones are cooler). We decided that the issue wasn’t to get the dirt out from under obstacles but to push it farther under. Thank you for your questions. Please feel free to purchase this new attachment for the low price of $500. You’ll be the most envied on your block…or pitied.

MrLeisure said...

Dude, you are freaking hilarious!

I swiped your pic and linked back to you from my Segway newsletter:

http://www.theredkey.net/

Dup said...

Cost too much, a mexican might do this for your whole life for less then 2k$ and he could clean under the table!

PHATPAT said...

i find having furniture that sits flat on the floor keeps me from having to vacuum under things like partical board furniure. so all you'll need to have is a crevice tool and your all set. i'll be first in line to purchase this wonderful invention. thanks H/A

mommyjolle said...

For your next pursuit could you put the H/A research team to work on a fool-proof method for cleaning out the refrigerator? I can't get a small enough goat to fit in mine!

Brian said...

I have send my money and am anxiously awaiting (i wet myself daily at the prospect of finding the product delivered when I arrive home from work) the arrival of my unit.

I was wondering if there would ever be an attachment that would let me dust those hard to reach areas way up high?

Brillig said...

Absolutely! We want this product to be as much an "all-in-one" unit as possible. For this reason we have hastily constructed a feather duster, duct-taped, to the end of a broom handle. This will be sold seperatley for the low cost of $150. Thanks for the interest and we'll have that Seg-uum out as soon as we find time...or get the money...or when ever.