Sunday, February 22, 2009

Whoooo are You?

Alright! Jeeze, don’t you people understand writer’s block/laziness/boardom/14 hour work days? Fine, filling in for the last nine months…

So, nine months ago LJ was getting to be pretty pregnant, not just a little, but like really pregnant. Then everything just kinda shifted. It’s a hard thing to express, but it was one of those life-changing moments like when you have sex for the first time. You lay there next to whoever and think back to all the health classes, church sermons and after school specials and you say to yourself “Wow…that’s it? That was what all the hype was over? I mean damn it was fun-n-all, but really that’s all there is to it? Did I do it right or is everyone else just too high-strung?”

I guess what I mean to say is that with everyone coming at me with the monumental moment it was supposed to be, all the Hallmark bullshit, all the “Oh your lives are going to change so much now”, or “How does it feel?” You’d think you were supposed to be instantly a changed man. Right?

This is my blog and on this blog I have always felt that I should cut away any artful double-speak and flowered lies. On this blog from me to you, the reader, it’s truth time. Well, I can tell you definitively. Right here and now that I feel exactly the same as I did the minute before LJ asked me “Do you remember when I had my last period?” I still have a passion for guns and action movies. My xbox time remains unchanged. And I still drop the F-bomb* on occasion.

While my life has changed to some degree, my opinions, attitudes, and lust for adventure and all things new remains unaltered. This, however, is not to suggest that I was not excited to see my child for the first time or that I am only self interested. I love my Daughter and all the things she represents. I am merely stating (mostly to the men out there, except those emotional types who think Fall-Out Boy is cool and own at least one pastel polo shirt) that having a child is not this cornerstone event in a dude’s life. Now, for a woman…yeah, probably and for many good reasons. But, for a guy, eh not from what I can see yet. It is only one moment in a long chain of life’s moments.

As an example: This Christmas my parents and grandparents went in on a big gift for me. They told me it was going to take a while due to some shipping issues, but that I should be on the lookout for a large box on my patio. As the weeks passed I grew more and more anxious. Then finally one day, between sessions, there was a knock at the door. The UPS guy had this enormous box by his feet. I quickly signed the ledger and yanked the package inside. As I did I noticed a Land’s End logo on the side. “Eh”, I thought. “Probably just the largest box they could find. My dad orders a lot of stuff from Land’s End after all.” So, with LJ on the couch I rip into the box with all sorts of anxiety. What could it be? It was kinda heavy, and I could feel the contents shifting inside. My stomach was in a knot.

Button-down shirts, slacks. My mind is racing, “This can’t be right.” I said to LJ, noticing a slightly pitying expression on her face. I go back to the box. Another button-down shirt (this one yellow, Yellow?!). I check the delivery address. “Oh my God.” I say, looking up to LJ. “It was sent to the correct address. (back to the box) My family bought me a…blazer.” I held it up for Laura to see. “Oh, I’m sorry sweetie” she says, as though to a child who is hoping for a cool ray-gun from his distant relatives and instead gets socks. Not even cool socks, but argyle.

While I appreciated the gesture. Truly I did. I am just not the kinda guy who will ever, EVER, wear that kinda stuff. But, I feel this illustrates how people get when a child is brought into your life. “Well, you’re a father now. Time to shave your Mohawk, wear douchey clothing, and eat Cinabon’s at the mall.” Let me tell you. No sir! NO! Being a good father and role model, at least in my mind, has nothing to do with how you choose to look. After all, screw everyone else. I let them dress the way they want; let them do the things they want to do and don’t judge them for it. I should get the same deference. Here is the bottom line. I have a good job where I am respected by my peers and clients. I spend as much time with my family as I can and I am a good influence (well, as far as I can tell). So, don’t think I’m a different person. I’m not. Having a baby was one of the best things that ever happened to me and I don’t want her to know anyone other than who her father really is. So, having a baby is a big life event, however it is not a life changing one. Unless you mean it in regards to the comparative amounts of dirty diapers I changed then as compared to now of course.

And to my family. I want you to understand that I know the Christmas gift was sent out of love. I am not ungrateful. I just didn’t want to have a bunch of clothes in the back of the closet gathering dust. So, I returned them and got something a little more likely to see some use; a little more me. I got a bitch’n Snowboard, and I love it! Thank you so much. I love you all.

*Fuck. Yeah, you were probably wondering if I had forgotten. How could I ever forget a hanging profanity? Don’t you people know me at all?

3 comments:

mommyjolle said...

ouch! Well, you are right and you are wrong. you are right that it was given out of love. We knew that probably it wasn't your style but, sorry,you REALLY need to get some new clothes. Baggy and faded is SO passe. So, if we thought you would have gone and bought some new T-shirts and jeans we would have just sent the money. It's o.k. to not be hung up on clothes but you do need to look like you occasionally wander into a store.

You're wrong if you think your life isn't going to change now that you're a dad...you just haven't been one long enough to really get the full effect. Talk to me an about 2 years +

mommyjolle said...

Wow,one post. Snorrrrrree...
I've done two since this one posted!

Mike King said...

Remember, change doesn't happen overnight. Its a process. Shit, I've had books, movies, conversations that have altered my life enough that I can see a definitive change in my worldview that I would constitute as "changing" my life.

If your life isn't changed now it certainly will be when she beats your score for the first time at Ratchet and Clank.