Monday, September 11, 2006

Speed Demon 2000

Warning: this post written while in a pissy mood

Ok, here I am, sitting at the most secluded table, at the F’ing Starbucks in the Barnes & Noble down the street from my house. I’m not here to sample any of their girl drink coffee-fections that so many out there think is hard core or whatever. I’m not here flipping through magazines that I have no intention to buy , though it is only hour one and there is only so log I can sit online. No, I payed four bucks to use their internet for two hours so that I could finish downloading a PC game I bought from Target like a week ago. *I never got through downloading it though due to the need for me to be connected for four hours! (*written after initial posting)

LJ and I bought Lappy, the newest member of our growing family, about a month ago. This is the first laptop I have ever owned and it is capable of doing things that a computer in my possession has never been able to do. Like store tons of info and having a good enough graphics card to play games more system demanding than solitaire. So, instead of buying a PS2 game at Target I figure “Hell, lets go check out the PC games." I am ambling through the selection trying to find a title that might peek my interest when I see a game titled “City of Heros”. “Cool”, I think to myself “a game where I can build my own ‘Hall of Justice’, create a heroic alter-ego, and go around fighting evil”. Then my gaze drifted next to it and I see another title, “City of Villains”. If you really know me you should know which game I purchased. “Holy crap, a game where I can build my own ‘Hall of Doom’, create my true villainous alter-ego instead of some pussy do-gooder, and a chance to cause random acts of chaos...delicious. Mwwwahahahaha”.

I take the game home and download it to my computer only to find out when I try and open it that I have to download like 430 megabytes from the net before I can play. I am going to put this gently, WHAT THE FUCK!. I have dial up, and yeah feel free to make all the jokes you want, so downloading anything is a virtual impossibility (no pun intended, unless it makes me sound smarter then yeah I intended it). Fucking PC games! This is no one’s fault but my own I realize. However, for years every once in a while I would try and break into PC gaming and get away from my console dependance and every time I will inevitably be foiled by my computers lack of some crucial component or software. This time I thought would be different though, because of my new lap-sized baby. But no, smacked down again by my lack of high speed internet service. Damn it!

I have been mired in all sorts of speed related bogs recently. After LJ and I sold my crapy little Honda, that while a piece of shit, could still reach speeds in excess of 100 mph. Now I am driving LJ’s crappy Ford Ranger that couldn’t make 100 mph if it was dropped off a cliff (which, strangely, is a somewhat pleasing thought actually). I can’t drive quickly, I can’t even accelerate quickly. Instead of gently passing slower moving traffic I am weaving so that traffic can pass me. The other day I took off from a red-light and was passed by about ten cars before I got up to 45 mph. This isn’t just embarrassing, this is slowly killing me. You ever have nightmares about falling? The ground, at higher and higher velocity, coming at you until the speed is almost palpable? I look forward to those dreams so at least in some way I can get my speed on. I practically get an erection from looking at sports cars and motorcycles. I am looking forward to getting a sedan, something unthinkable to me only four months ago, just so that I can chirp the tires while pulling away from a stop sign.

While I am out on sessions and am driving a company vehicle down some remote dirt roads, I start to throttle up and just see if I can barely corner the SUV into a slide in such a way that no one will notice. I actually said “screw it” on the last session and floored it around this beautiful curve. It was awesome. I put that vehicle into a controlled slide and came out the other side with a grin from ear to ear and my passengers clinging to any stable surface their hands could clasp. I lost my driving privileges for the next day, but it was worth it. I miss driving fast. No, not fast, just driving a vehicle that can keep up with what I want it to do.

Same goes for the internet. I used to have high speed in college and went back to dial up while making a budget with my wife after we got married. I guess I got used to it, but in the same way I miss a car that can preform like I want I miss having the ability to visit sites that require flash (which are on the increase). I can’t get streaming audio, download anything, see pics that my friends or family might post. Sorry, Mike, David, and Ryan but I only visit your sites when I know I have the time (5-10 minutes a page) and my dial up won’t cut out (15% of the time).

As much as Myspace is a joke (whole ‘nother topic that I won’t get into now) it has soooo much shit on one page that it requires too much bandwidth for my crappy dial up to handle. Because, everyone needs to have the latest funny video of that teenage idiot stapling his balls to a wooden chair or some other mindless video on their page. Oh, and I really need to see all those idiotic pics you think humorously define your personality so that everyone will know just how wild and kah-ha-razy you are. Lets be honest that shit is like putting “hilarious” bumper stickers on your car. It not only makes your car an eyesore but it makes you look like an idiot who needs a stupid piece of kitsch to look interesting or clever. It’s called content people. You wanna look smart or be cool then earn it with what you have to say and not with what you can swipe and put on your page.

Ew, that came off a little aggressive, sorry if I hurt any feelings. But, again most of this is coming from me not being able to visit anyone’s blog. Sorry, Patrick, Danny, and anyone else who’s got a crummy Myspace account. Damn, it is just like being a Formula 1 driver and having to drive a golf cart on the track while everyone else is whizzing bye. Oh well, someday I will either be able to afford it or go slowly insane (pun intended that time). That’ll be a short trip.

3 comments:

Mad Mike said...

Ohh my God the great "Hall of Doom" is connected to the outside world at a blazin' 56k. Its hard for the president to take your ransom threats of destroying the world seriously when they have to wait a half hour for your shitty webcam connection to buffer so they can squeeze out a whole soundbite. Bwuuuuhaaaahaaa.

mommyjolle said...

How much is a year's worth of DSL? Just asking....

Thousandlegs said...

I agree! Dial up sucks nearly as much balls as myspace. The only reason to have a myspace account is because so many other people do and if you're in it to connect with ghosts from the past then myspace is the way to go right now. As for the driving HOT DAMN and CONGRATULATIONS! I do believe that there is no better way to lose one's driving priveleges. Keep up the good work and maybe Santa Clause will bring you a DSL modem for Christmas.