Myspace Must Die

…so that my intelligence may live.

Maybe a year ago I begrudgingly signed up for a myspace account. It didn’t really work for me at the time due to my slow-ass internet connection. The reason I even signed up was due to a huge shift in my actual friend network. You see all of us had what I consider actual blogs through blogger or other providers. Then everyone went to myspace. The question on my mind is why?

As far as I can tell myspace is a fancy, template based, way of posting stupid pictures linking dumb-ass youtube videos and sending ridiculous amounts of chain mail. Everyone who knows me knows that this particular post has been a long time coming. So, here we go.

I want you all to know that I intended on keeping my very blank myspace account, but that it will remain blank for freakin’ ever. I am doing this only so that I can read the two posts that my friends write a year and so that they can send me useless crap that I will not read or even open. I would now like to share with you some of the dumber chain-letter crap that I have received.

• From my brother and sister:

THiS IS SO SAD...

I BET THAT 97% OF U WONT REPOST THIS!!!

When Jesus died on the cross he was thinking of you!

If you are one of the 3% who will stand up for him then repost this w/the title:

I LOVE U AND IM SORRY!!!

If you know me, you know that I have a complete disregard for the words "love", "sorry", and "repost". I'm also sure that Jesus is pleased as punch that all of you are remembering him through a crappy virtual hands across myspace, instead of going out and doing actual "good works" or whatever.

• From my friend Beth

(random questions taken from one of like ten questionnaires she’s sent me)

Ever punch someone in the face?

Have you ever wished someone dead?

Ever seen a corpse?

Again, anyone who knows me knows that the answer to all of these questions are yes and if more of these things get sent to me the answer will become an emphatic yes.

Now, lets talk about the friggin’ pictures. Do I really need to see the picture of Johnny Cash flicking off the camera? What does that picture have to do with you? How about all the pictures of God damned Bam Margera. If you haven’t figured it out yet, I’ll spell it out for you. Bam is a tool. A tool used to sell deodorant and other such items to stupid young morons. He is only famous for the same reasons as Tom Green. Hold up, I’m getting off track; this could be a whole nother post. You aren't clever for putting these pictures up, you are a tool like Bam is a tool. It adds nothing to your image and says nothing about who you are.

All I’m saying is if you want to keep in touch with your friends then the technology has been around since the advent of the cell phone. The cell phone market has allowed losers to use such things as text messaging (which is also a huge waist of time and energy), and ring-back tones so that everyone will know that you love the show Knight Rider…or Ludacris...or whoever no one really cares to hear. Also email allows you to send stupid messages to everyone at the click of a button. So why waist time on a psudo webpage if you could do it just as easily through email. Finally, IM. IM was and is the basis for all of this crap. When some genius decided he could make funny looking smiley emoticons he opened the friggin’ flood gates. From smiley’s to pictures of Bam it was a process that took less than five years (a single tear rolls down my cheek). I’m not saying IM was bad. I’m only saying that the invention of fully colored and moving emoticons changed everything.

Now, to the point. I just want you all to know that I literally check my myspace account once every week, sometimes less, and I rarely if ever check anyone elses account unless prompted to by email or cellphone conversation. I will NEVER respond to anything that even resembles a chain-letter. And finally, my myspace account will be the blandest and most void area in all of the myspace…space. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. If you want a website then have a reason to have it. Put something out there. Be interesting; don’t just slap the equivalent of virtual bumper stickers all over it. Quality over content people, quality over content.