Close-Quarters Combat

The other day my dog, Zeus, was being a real jerk. He was barking for no good reason, snapping at my roommate and his dog, and generally running amuck. So I did what any good parent should do; I used physical punishment to calm him down. No, I didn’t hit him. I got out the most readily available squirt gun in the house. It just happened to be a rather large “Super-Soaker”. It did the trick but then the Super-Soaker was left out for any additional “parenting” that needed doing. This was a mistake that would later come back and haunt me.

The day after, I’m watching TV or something and I hear my wife screaming. I jump up and head to her to see what’s going on. I find my wife backed into an upstairs corner with Mike pointing the Super-Soaker at her with that menacing grin we all get from holding a water gun on someone unarmed. I ask what is going on. It seems that they had a bit of a verbal putdown contest going on when Mike saw the gun and decided it could be ended quickly in his favor. I acted fast, knowing the only way to resolve a situation like this, so as no one walks away soaked, is to give the armed person whatever he or she wants. I just happened to know what Mike wanted; a copy of some software we had. I just hoped it was enough.

“Hold on. I’ll be back with the disc”, I said. Seconds later, with the disc in hand, I told Mike that the only way he would get the software was if he put the gun down in the middle of the hall and backed away. He thought about it, and then the trusting fool did! No sooner than I saw the gun on the ground I grabbed it. Mike jumped at me so that the tide wouldn’t be turned without fight. So there we were in the upstairs hallway in a desperate struggle to see who would be shot. We wrestled back and forth, sometimes dangerously close to the stairs. Some aimless shots were fired, hitting only the walls and floor. Then I remembered LJ.

Quickly I turned with Mike on my back and told LJ to take the gun. As the gun left my hand Mike got me in a full nelson and another standoff began. I told her “Don’t worry about me just shoot him.” As I struggled left and right to give her a clear shot I could feel Mike dodging behind me. At pointblank range LJ fired.

Now, you’d think that anyone at pointblank range in a small hallway would be able to land a shot on their desired target. Anyone who thinks that needs to watch some girls who never really played with squirt guns. Sufficed to say she got us both. Yes, I got nailed in the head, hard-core, and mike was shot while making a break for his room after I fell to the ground like I was dead. It was great.

I guess the point of all this is that living in your own house and making your own rules is awesome. My parents would have stopped that whole scene from playing out had we all been younger. How many of us have been told “No horseplay in the house” or “Stop that right now”, by our parents. I feel a little silliness can be a wonderful thing. It doesn’t happen all the time but when it does it makes you feel great. Plus, usually nothing gets broken and if it does, well so what? I love the freedoms I have now.

• Staying up late
• Making a mess…anywhere
• Playing loud, LOUD music.
• Running in the house
• Playing baseball in the house
• Etc.

To all those out there who still live with your parents (even unofficially) move out! Move Out NOW! It’s super cool.

Blurry Vision

I went to get my eyes examined today. It took forty-five minutes and I had to get eye drops that made my corneas dilate. At the end I was all geared up to get my contacts and take them home. It was going to be like Christmas…for my eyes! Did this happen? No. “Well, now we have to see you put in and take out a pair of contacts before we can give you yours”, the lady says. “Why?” I ask incredulously. “It’s the law”, she replies. So as not to be a poor sport I’d try.

I have never put in a contact before and for this reason I have never had to remove them. My eyes at this point were already red and irritated from the glaucoma test and the dilation eye drops, not to mention that they had had lights shined in them and were manhandled by the optometrist, but I said ok. I tried to get those damned things in for half an hour with this woman sitting across the table from me telling me that fourteen year old girls can do it so I should be able to. Eventually I get frustrated and my eyes are killing me so I decide to leave. I pay $99 and leave with a receipt. Did I get my prescription? No. Did I get a pair of trial contacts to try at home? No. I left with the satisfaction of knowing that I had my eyes examined and my pupils throbbing for that lofty price.

I have to go back tomorrow and try again. If I fail to get those bastards in and out then I will go home empty handed again. I can repeat this process though, the wonderful woman taking my money told me. Great, I think to myself. I would have rather been informed before I’d taken the eye exam that should I fail a test at the end I wouldn’t be receiving the contacts I paid for. Maybe I’ll practice with LJ’s before I go back. Still, I have never heard of a law that states you don’t necessarily have to get a product that you paid for.

What a jip.

FREE MONEY!!!

Well, not really. LJ and I just got our tax refund back and though many people like to look at this as “free money”, it isn’t. I like to look at it as money happily yanked from my paychecks before I could ever get my hands on it. And what does it mostly go toward anyway? Social security and the military. Frankly, I think I could do a better job with it than the government. I wouldn’t be paying old people to sit around and go to the doctor for shits and giggles when I can’t go myself and I wouldn’t be funding operations to liberate anyone who didn’t want to be liberated (that’s a different discussion though and I won’t get into it now).

So we have this money and we need to do something with it. Yeah, I know “save it”. Hmmmmm, no. We had some ideas on where it could be spent like a new computer or maybe a PSP or something equally fun but I think we are going to spend it on boring things that, in the long run, will be better investments.

First, LJ and I need our eyes examined. We can do this and get new contacts. I have been having to wear my glasses for more than a year now and I hate it. God, do I hate glasses! I’ve never worn contacts but it must be wonderful. The only thing is I’ve never had to touch my eye so I am more than a little freaked about having to put them in and take them out. Ggggraaaababababa and EEEWWWWWWW!

Second, we are getting the carpets cleaned. They are gross they need cleaning. That’s it. Other than I will kill any animal that pisses on my floor afterward.

Third, LJ needs her wisdom teeth out. Her parents said they would help with the expense so I think we are going to have to do it. Yeah, sorry babe but its for your own good. I won’t even tell you how bad I had it when my teeth were out. I’ll have to use some devilishly clever ploy to get her to go, like telling her we’re going to a tea party and when we get there saying, “Oh, I said teeth pulling. You must have misheard me. Well, while we’re here we may as well…” Man, that was weak. My ploys have been a bit lackluster lately. I’ll work on it.

Fourth, LJ’s truck is getting recharged with air-conditioning stuff. I hate that neither of us has a car with A/C. Summer in FLA sucks enough; the least we can do is have one comfortable vehicle.

Anyway, you can see where I’m going. I think we’ll be better off paying for the things that normally we wouldn’t spring for due to our tight budget. I think in the end it will make us happier and be things we can look back on as good investments. Though I can’t believe I’m giving up a PSP…

What do you people normally spend your refunds on?

Terror

**I suggest turning off your lights for this post to have a better mood. Also, turn off any music or other noise.

So, I was talking with Mike about stuff in general and the subject of fear rolled around. I don’t know about most of you but I grew up terrified by my own imagination. I had an amazingly vivid imagination and consequently had some pretty scary childhood moments. I was never really scared of anything real. I guess it was more a fear of the unknown. Let me relate a reoccurring nightmare I had as a child so you could get an idea.

---The Dream---

I wake up to a loud thunderclap. It’s completely dark in my room except for the occasional lightning strikes that illuminate the whole room in those brief ultra-intense flickers from my window. Through the rain I hear these short series of clicks. I listen closely to it and realize that these rapid clicks are not rain, but something on the outside of the house. Another bolt of lightning draws my attention back to the window where I see a dark figure in the upper corner glaring in at me. A silhouette of the top of its head is all I can see. Whatever it is, it’s clinging from the house outside my window. The eyes glint like those of an animal in the beam of a flashlight. They look hollow and ethereal.

I’m terrified to look at it but I must, I know that if I take my eyes away it could move before I have the chance to look back. I blink, and it’s gone. Was I imagining it? I’m listening very intently now; searching for any sounds that may help me identify its location. The clicking returns, but now it sounds different somehow. I cautiously get out of bed and creep toward my door to listen. The clicking sounds come again but now they sound as though they are upstairs…inside the house!

I act fast. I have to leave my room. “It saw me in my room, it knows I’m here”, I think as I dash down a dark hallway and to the basement door. I have to put as much distance between whatever this thing is and myself. I can feel the cold wood of the stairs and the humid air as I run down into the dark. I race across the basement already knowing where I intend to hide, the dark corner between the couch and the wall. I press my back up into the corner and sit in the cold dark room waiting and listening.

It feels like an eternity passes and I see and hear nothing but I know its there…somewhere…in my house. Then I hear it. The clicking sound of claws is closer; it’s in the upstairs hall. I hug my knees up to me. I can feel the fear like I can feel the cold wall on my back or the dusty floor under me. The sound comes again. It’s in front of the basement door. I pray…I pray for it to pass, I pray for someone to come home and find me, I pray for all this to be over. I know none of this will happen though. All I can do is sit and be still and quite. There is a clicking on the stairs…then nothing.

I look hard through the dark and can see that it’s crouched there on the floor at the bottom of the stairs. Its been staring at me all this time. Its small, maybe the size of a large dog but still its as big as me and I know if it comes for me I’ll be dead. The eyes glint again like those of an animal, but from where? There is no light down here. I’m not even breathing now I just sit and stare and it stares right back. I think that maybe that stare will hold it, lock it into place somehow. Maybe I can just sit here and keep it at bay because it knows I can see it. Then it moves but almost too fast for me to see. Its claws clicking on the floor furiously as it races toward me…

I wake up; in a cold sweat usually. I had this dream off and on for years. To this day I have a hard time with dark buildings. I don't know, I guess I'm just affraid of some unidentified thing coming after me, or maybe it's being alone. Though, I have camped several times by myself and have no fear of the woods at night. I just thought it was a creepy dream and you guys might think so too. However, If I hear a camp councilor telling this story to a group of boy scouts several years from now, I'm gonna want some royalties.

We all need a Hero

First, I would like to thank DeWey, for without his contribution this blog may not have even happened. Yes he fixed my computer hard-core and now it’s running like a champ. Way to go DeWey. I would also like to say that he has a pretty cool pod-cast going. It was actually featured on a fairly large pod-cast hosted by the guy who used to do Headbanger’s Ball on MTV. Coolness.

Next, I thought I would do a blog about my own personal heroes. Not any actual people mind you because I think, that for me anyway, it is more truthful to talk about the fictional characters on TV that I watched growing up rather than…you know…real people. I guess it was easier to identify with the television characters that I saw daily versus those I could only read about and whose actions I had to interpret. Not that I didn’t know about Martin Luther King Junior, Mother Theresa, or Neil Armstrong. I just thought that the fictional characters on TV had more definable qualities. So let me give you a few, but please don’t laugh remember that I was a kid and these were some role models of mine.

MacGyver: He was a nice guy who wanted to help people. He was some kind of peacekeeping agent that didn’t carry a gun. No, all he needed was pocketknife and some ingenuity. I always thought that this guy was smart enough to solve any problem that lay before him, all he needed was a little time and some common household items. I always have a pocketknife on me to this day, in part, from watching MacGuyver.

Danger Mouse: I know it’s a cartoon character, but he was cool nonetheless. He was always really brave. He could march into any situation head first with the utmost confidence. He could even march several times into the same situation where he would inevitably be hanging from the edge of a cliff with his partner, Penfold, dangeling at his feet. I try and have that kind of bravery even if it means hanging from a proverbial cliff.

Captain Jean-Luc Picard: The captain of the starship Enterprise (from Star Trek: The Next Generation). He was an amazingly wise character. He was measured and in control. When the shit hit the fan and two Klingon warbirds were coming in for an attack he would be the guy you wanted at the helm. I always thought that someday I wanted to have the same weathered experience and comand this guy has.

Indiana Jones: Was there any doubt he would make the list? C’mon, he had it all. He was smart, brave, and clever. He was as smooth as James Bond and as tough as Rambo. He is the reason I think archaeology is so cool to this day. He could take on an army of Nazis kick their asses and be back to recover whatever sacred object needed recovering before flying off on his next adventure. And it was always for a museum, so he even had integrity. Not to mention that he always got the girl.

So there you go, some of my personal heroes. I think they are pretty cool. Yeah, I never really idolized the sports stars or the rock stars. I guess I just thought that those people were just people, totally flawed, normal, nothing special...people. Where as these fictional characters could be the embodiment of the traits that I admired. I am sure that most of you out there have at least a few heroes of your own that aren't real life people too. Though LJ thinks I'm weird.

Race is a 4 Letter Word

I haven’t been posting recently due to some computer problems, which still aren’t resolved, so I made an effort to find a computer that worked. While I had tons of things I wanted to blog about a situation arose that I felt needed some comment.

A little while back my roomy Mike went to the beach and had some humorous, yet annoying, situations occur; consequently he blogged on the subject and then from out of no where was hit with all sorts of angry comments. He checked out where they were all linking from and found this other blogger that had read his page and taken it as a slap toward gays, Hispanics, and the French. If you haven’t, I suggest reading the comments on that page to get an idea for some of the hateful responses.

I was raised in an upper middle class suburb of Atlanta. I didn’t live in an all white neighborhood and I didn’t go to an all white school. I grew up, went to school and was in boy scouts with a multi-racial, multi-ethnic community. To me the only diffrence between the people in my town were whether or not they were intelligent or rude. The only time I ever experienced any kind of racism was when I moved away from there. I have seen racism from many different people, whites, blacks, Asians, Hispanics, etc. I have been called a racist from people who didn’t know me. I have called other people racists on the merit of how they had treated friends of mine or ideals that they made clear to me. The subject troubles me.

There are two words that have become an embodiment of what they are supposed to oppose. One is the word “racist” which is defined as “prejudice or animosity against people who belong to other races.” The other is “reverse-racism” or racism that may be aimed at whites by other minorities. When did the word racism become a word to solely be associated with white people? Isn’t this ugly word just as apt when applied to anyone no matter their color or ethnicity? The very existence of a term like “reverse-racism” is a troubling sign that our community is segregating more and more.

If anyone is interested I would urge you to read some anthropological works in regards to the term “race” as it is. If you do you’ll find that this word is not scientifically accurate. In fact most archaeologists and anthropologists today will never use the term race to describe anyone.

I hate that people use language that singles out generalities about an entire group of people, but let’s leave our politically-correct selves for a moment and be real. People are all prejudice. If you don’t believe me then look the word up and honestly tell me you’re not. Everyone is, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. It doesn’t mean that you can’t be friends with someone of a different origin than yours and it doesn’t mean that you are hateful. What it means is that you judge people from what you have experienced. I can’t fault anyone for that. I don’t hold it against the people who have played the race card on me. I just have to assume that they have only had bad experiences with people of my background, too bad for them they judged me poorly before they got to know me.

While I’m on the subject, it is also a shame that in our country today it is almost impossible for a white person to redeem themselves after being labeled a bigot or a racist. Take the example of my friend Mike. After reading all the uninformed mudslinging that others had done, one of the people who had him linked on her page took him off. If you try and defend yourself by saying “No, I’m not racist” people seem to be more disgusted with you. Finally, as a white person you can’t even tell someone about other people you’re friends with without sounding like a desperate back peddler. It is almost like someone being branded a leper and then being shunned by everyone around him. He may not be a leper but the acusation, once made, has more weight than the truth.

You know what people, save your scorn and disapproval for someone who really deserves it. Try and be less sensitive to what might offend and wait for someone who really is a bigot. And for the love, stop being so damned politically correct. It’s stupid. There is no one who isn’t guilty of telling a racial joke, and no one who isn’t prejudice in some small way. Get off you’re your high horses. The thing, I guess, I hate the most is that none of these people feel that they should be held accountable for their harsh words. All of them feel that he "blog-spammed" them. Hey, if you don't like this issue stinking up your pages don't sling it so gleefully at others, it could come back at you.

**Due to public outcry I am removing the racial jokes. I felt they made the point and while being funny to me were not funny to all. That’s fine; I don’t feel they coupled well with my overall argument anyway. I noticed that the only argument that people had though was over the one joke that had to due with minorities, while no one was upset by the white joke. Hmmm, what does that tell me? Maybe that’s why comedians like Dave Chappelle, the South Park Guys and Richard Prior have a booming career.

System Failure

The reason I haven't been posting recently is due to my computer being stone-cold-dead. I can't access the net or even get MSword running. I can't figure this problem out! I have formatted like 5 times and have just about given up. Not to mention that the school's computer lab is down for a while so I can't blog from there. I was toying with the idea of just giving up blogging. My wife says not to but I don't know. I'll think about it and decide whether or not I'll continue. This may be my last post...

Then again this may also be a sympathy plee to get a new computer. DeWey, HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jesus is my Hommie

Ok, I’m a bad person. I Know I am. I won’t argue the fact. I did something that I am not ashamed of in the slightest and I got scolded for it so I want to tell everyone what I did to confirm, for myself, whether or not this was actually funny.
On Easter, Mike drug me out to a church just up the street. I went willingly enough but for me it was really more of a time-killer. While we were there I thought it would be a hoot to fill out a pamphlet for new members only I put Mike’s name down instead of my own. I filled it all out and put a check next to every organization that the church had to offer and then wrote in that he was thinking of becoming saved but needed some help to do it.
Alright, it was a bit over the top I realize, but people really, I do these kinds of things all the time. I thought that Mike would receive all sorts of “junk” mail that would be kind of annoying and it would be funny for me every time he got the fat envelopes in the mail…for the next year. You know the no one gets hurt, long-term kind of practical joke. Well, today I get a phone call at the house. “Hello, is a Mike ____ there?” “Not right now”, I reply “can I take a message?” “This is _________ from the (Baptist church up the street) and we were just calling to see if Mike wanted to talk about...” The basic gist is that they think they have a ready convert and are taking the direct approach so they can score another soul for the Big Man. I can understand that. So, what else could I do? “Let me give you his cell phone number and email address”, I said “He is really interested in converting.”
Later I found out that they had called Mike at work and pummeled him into a meeting with two Pastors from the church. They want to take him out to lunch; they would even pay for it. Mike was as resistant as he could be without just saying no and he may not even go in the end. When he told me I said that I would go in his stead. Hey, a free meal is a free meal, but Mike felt that that may just be opening the door to more religion based high-jinks not to mention being “morally wrong”. I guess he’s right a joke should only go so far. However, didn’t Jesus say “Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Give a man some gullible Christians and he could eat…”, well, you get the idea.

On a similar note: Someone came by my work the other day and tried to save my soul by giving me a “tract”. If you don’t know what these are check out the link. They are these little cartoon books that are designed to scare you into becoming a Christian. I was so entertained by the one I got that I had to see more so I went to the manufacturer’s website and read like twenty of them. I have got to tell you people, if you have some time to kill read these things they’re great! Over zealous Christians are funny on so many different levels.
I have no idea who these things are supposed to work on. How many people a year do you suppose read one of these things and decide to convert? I don’t know but it sure is fun to read. My favorites are the ones bashing the Theory of Evolution, Catholics, and gays but there is much, much more! Oh, and I liked reading these things so much that I've added them to my links section...but you'll have guess which link it is.

**If I offended anyone with this article please understand that it was all in good fun and not meant to be condescending or derogative to any one or to Christians in general. I only mock because I care and after all life is funny sometimes.

The Future…The Future…what, what, The Future…

This semester is winding down. Yay! I am so ready to be done. I had a talk with my advisor who has told me that all I need to graduate is one more class (that I can take online for half a semester) and the CLAST (a math exam). Yeah, I’m worried about the math one but the last class is an internet learning course that should be an easy A. I can pass the math test; Hell, if I could get through Spanish 2 I can do almost anything.

So one more half semester in which I really don’t even need to go to a class unless I choose to take something else for shits and giggles. I may, so that I can use the financial aid money. Probably an easy A as well something like basket weaving 101. However, I do want to take something that will look good on my transcript.

Anyway, it’s all coming to an end and I can finally move out of this God forsaken town and start my life. I will walk at the end of fall because they don’t have a ceremony in summer. I guess I will come back for it. I owe everyone who has helped me at least that much. Thanks Mom & Dad, Nana & Pa, and of course LJ. I won’t say I couldn’t have done it with out you (I believe in myself too much to say that), but I will say that it would have been a lot harder than it already was. All of your support both financial and emotional and even sometimes academic has been an incalculable aid to me.

Now, I just need to get out there and get a job and start kicking some ass. When I put my mind to finish something I almost always succeed so now it will be career and money.

Lots of Stuff

Wow, it’s been a while since I’ve posted and I’m sorry. I really like doing this it’s just hard when I have to make time to come all the way over to the computer lab to do it because my computer is shot for the time being. Not to mention my wife hates for me to leave her alone for any amount of time. So, I guess in this post I will bring you up to snuff with some of the highlites that have happened to me in the last week and a half.

First up: I am having issues waking up in the morning. Consequently I have missed a few of my early Art Critique classes. I believe I have found the cause however. It appears that LJ is a habitual alarm snoozer and turner-off’er, this means that though the alarm may be set appropriately I may only get the smallest window of time to hear it before it is shut off by my half-dazed, groggy wife.

Solutions? Since it is likely that I might do the same it has been mutually decided that merely moving the clock to my side of the bed will do no good. It is then apparent that we must get a new alarm clock.

This opens up a whole new argument however. Who gets this new alarm clock? Also, who gets to choose the style? I believe that I should get it as I am the one who has been inconvenienced for the last two weeks. However she asserts that it should be her right as it is technically my alarm clock on her side of the bed. I feel this argument is preposterous though because we are married now and the clock was brought into the marriage ergo it is both of ours. I want a cool and fun clock that looks like a robot or something and she thinks that’s childish. If you have any suggestions on how to resolve this then just comment below, or send a link to some cool alarm clock sites. Moving on…

Next: My parents and brother and family friends came down last weekend and we played paintball. I would like to take a moment now and say how disappointed I am at some people who shall remain nameless. I talked to about four people, outside of the ones already coming down, to join our paintball game. Two of these four were kind of last minute so I understand their not showing up. They also told me that they had work on that day and may not be able to come. That’s understandable. DeWey even called to tell us he couldn’t make it on the day and offered his gun in his stead (for anyone else who wanted to use it, a very cool gesture I might add. Thanks DeWey). Now the other two I am a bit pissed at. Not only had they known about the game for a month in advance but they gave me their word they would be there on time and ready to play. Did they call to cancel? No. Did they send their regrets later? No. They just decided to no-show and leave us in the lurch for players.
Paintball, for those who don’t know, has the same needs as a basketball game. You need even teams and you need enough to make it fun. I am upset because I thought these guys were a lock and they decided to snub us. Not cool. We still played though and it was still fun. Let me give you the stats.

• Most Improved Player: Courtney, for his magnificent comeback after playing so blowfully early on.
• Most Likely to go “Ape-Crazy”: Patrick, for his tree shaking anger display.
• Most Likely to Take a Shot to the Face: Adam, for taking many repeated rounds to the face.

And Finally….

• MVP: Mike, for his outstanding playing all around.

Good job guys. Thanks for playing.

Finally: I have decided what to do for my art project! If you can recall I was having a lot of difficulty with what I should do to represent myself artistically. I think I will bring in some of the shirts I have stenciled. I feel that not only are they, for the most part, my own creation but they also show a side of me that reflects my personality to some degree. More so than a giant 5 foot poo. I am working on a political design now that is kind of a slap at Social Security... I can’t wait. I’ll post pictures of all my works when I am finished. Anyway, nice to post again. I’ll write more soon.

The Best Girl Ever...

I love my wife. She is without a doubt the coolest, funniest, smartest, and sexiest chick I have ever met. As a married guy in a sea of unmarried people it is hard for me to relate this without sounding “whipped” or like a wimp or whatever. I just really appreciate this girl far more than I can say. She is not just my wife but truly my best friend. On that note I want to relate some excerpts from our recent lives.

*Friday, March 25; 11:30 pm: LJ asks me if I want to go out with her and her friends to a crowded night club in town. I ask if she will be upset if I decline due to my exhaustion from working solidly for the last two days. She says no problem, gives me a hug and kiss, then leaves to meet up with her friends. I stay awake for another hour then fall asleep.

*Saturday, March 26; 7:30 am: I wake up in my bed and turn over to discover that my wife is not there. “Shit, where the hell is she?” I think as I roll out of bed and throw on some clothes. I walk downstairs and into our family room where I find some dude on our loveseat, sleeping. I shrug and find my cell phone. After calling her and receiving no reply I call our roommate Mike. “OK, where is my wife and what the hell happened last night?” I ask. “Oh, hey. LJ and Sara just dropped me off at my truck (which was still downtown). She should be home in a few minutes". "Alright, I'll hear the whole story from LJ when she gets home", I say before hanging up.

Panic is subsiding, so I sit out front to smoke a cigarette and wait for them to drive up. I want to hear all about why she wasn’t in bed this morning, who the guy on the couch is, and why Mike’s truck was downtown.

She drives up with Sara, about five minutes later, and gets out of the car sheepishly. She gives me a hug and tells me the whole story.

FLASHBACK

The night before they all go to Seville. After it closes they decide to go somewhere that is still open so that they can continue to have fun. Sara suggests Babes, a strip club she has visited before. They all agree and head on. (For all of you who weren’t paying attention: MY WIFE WENT TO A STIP CLUB WITH HER FRIENDS!) After Babes closes they come back to our place and hangout until sunrise. The guy on the couch is Sara’s-cousin’s-friend. Mike left his truck so they could all travel together.

Would most guys be mad about this? Resoundingly yes, I was told by my co-workers. They couldn’t believe that I wasn’t pissed. The thing is though that I trust my wife more than anyone else in the world. She merely went out to have a good time and in the course of the evening ended up at a strip club. She would never cheat on me or do something intentionally that would get her into trouble with me. End Result: I’m not pissed, she has a stronger friend group, and mike got a lap dance as I understand. Good for him…

**Easter 2005: I wake up and head downstairs to find a napkin on the table with a brief message on it. LJ had gone to work at 7 am, but left Mike and I a slew of cleverly hidden eggs all around the downstairs. Not just any eggs though, these were Cadbury Cream Eggs! We spend about thirty or forty minutes looking for these. It was fun on the bun, let me tell ya.

She comes home later and gives me an Easter bucket (that’s right bucket, because she felt that the baskets at Wal-Mart were uber lame, she's so cool). There is a box under mine that I unwrap to discover a GameBoy Advance! “No WAY!” I scream. She even got me a game to go with it. In both Mike’s and my Buckets we had Peeps (Mike’s favorite), Cadbury chocolate mini-eggs (my favorite), and mini bottles of Goldshlogger, whiskey, and vodka (everyone’s favorite!). Later that evening she even let me switch the channel from the movie Magnolia to a show I like to watch on Cartoon Network's [Adult Swim].

How could I ever find anyone better than this woman? I can’t. She is so freak’n awesome! I love this chick.

To all you guys out there, I have one thing to say…I WIN! My chick is the best.

Men on Men

I had a conversation recently that brought my attention to, what I consider to be, a major flaw in most men’s character.

First though, let me start by giving you some background on myself. I am a 26 year old male. I am hetero-sexual and am married. I enjoy activities such as rock climbing, hiking, caving, mountain biking, paintball, SCUBA, and many other physically oriented sports. The kind of sports that most guys would be like, “Yeah, he’s a manly dude.” However, I also enjoy making things with my hands. As an example: glass etching, T-shirt stencils, knitting, and other crafting related things; typically non-male hobbies.

So the flaw that I had alluded to was this; most straight men are terrified that other men will think them gay. For many years I have had to suffer the uncomfortable, surprised or even disgusted looks from guys who are so caught up in portraying the “I’m straight, I’m not effeminate in any way, If you think I’m gay you’re wrong sort of attitude”, that when I told them that I had tried knitting they looked at me like I was going to ask them to go to a gay bar with me. It’s amazing that the only men who are seemingly comfortable with their identity are gay men. That’s right, I said it. Gay men aren’t worried about impressing all the other fragile ego’ed, homophobic, straight males out there. Outcome: they are usually more themselves than a straight guy is.

So many males feel it necessary to strut around acting, what they believe to be, not effeminate. It’s kind of sad really. It’s as though men are suffering from some sort of identity crisis that is self imposed merely from this idyllic non-entity that every man assumes they should strive to be. If these guys could stop strutting for the other men out there they could learn some pretty cool things.

Here are some questions and answers for you.

Q: Do I feel that making T-shirt stencils or glass etching or crafting in general is gay?

A: No! Only someone who was REALLY insecure about how others viewed him would say so.

Q: Is it alright for men to knit?

A: Why the hell not? Is it wrong to learn a new skill and use it? Would any male object to learning how to drive a motorcycle or throw a punch? Knitting takes a lot of imagination, time, and coordination fellas. It isn’t something to sneer at even if a guy is doing it.

Here is a question from me to you.

Q: Why is a guy who dresses “metro-sexually” for a night out at the club not considered gay?

A: Because he is doing it in the pursuit of tail.

What most guys don’t understand is that women are impressed, as far as I know, with a guy who is masculine enough to not feel that he has to be what his frat brothers expect him to be. That’s right guys, women respond to strength of character. Men who are sure of themselves and confident will always be more attractive. (Girls, if I’m wrong here let me know)

Now I’m not saying that every guy is going to love knitting. Hell, I suck at it and haven’t tried it but a few times (though I do hope to make a sweater for myself some day soon). What I am saying is that more guys need to be less concerned about what the male image should be and just be themselves. If you think some flowers would look good in your bathroom, then go get them and make an arrangement. I have. Don’t worry about what some other dude may think. If you feel you might like to make something that involves sewing then learn to use a sewing machine and do it. Don’t just ask your girlfriends or wives because you think that isn’t a “male” thing to do. If you want to wear hot pants and strut it for all the guys at the construction site then…well…maybe you are gay.

Sit-Com’s Suck

Speaking of comedy. I just want to rant for a second about the current state of network television. If you all don’t already know, I recently got back into TV in no small part due to Mike. For some time however, I have been bored by the average sit-com on network television. Has anyone else noticed that the jokes are recycled or at the very least formulaic? It’s the same damn comedy! Frasier, Friends, Cheers, That 70’s Show, etc, etc, they all are alike. How you ask? In a few major ways. The comedy revolves around two things, pithy retorts and embarrassing situations. You can count on one character in any of these shows to say something to set up another character’s witty comment. The only thing that ever changes is the scenario in which the characters are in, and that’s just a veneer.

Tell me you people can’t predict what one character will say to the other at any given moment. The sit-com hasn’t changed since the earliest days. You could look at an old episode of The Beverly Hill-Billy’s and compare it with Will & Grace. I grew tired of the formula humor. I was tired of getting the same set up and knockdown from every damn show on TV. When I was at my lowest I found something new.

I encourage all of you to view some new comedy. I found it in the ridiculously low budgeted cartoon shows on Cartoon Network’s “Adult Swim”. These are irreverent shows that are redefining modern comedy. It started with the launch of a strange but funny show called Space Ghost Coast to Coast about seven years ago, then bloomed into an entire evening line up. Adult Swim has done so well in fact that it has put out DVD collections of its shows, and is nearly ready to launch a toy line.

I warn you though; some of you just aren’t going to get the humor. Some of the shows are very strange and it is hard to understand them. This, however, is a good thing. We need to get away from our comfort zone occasionally. Yeah, it’s easy to like the same thing you’ve seen a billion times before, but how can anyone be satisfied that way. I want to be challenged. Things are funnier to me when I don’t know what will happen next. I urge you all to watch any of the following shows: Home Movies, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Robot Chicken, Harvey Birdman Attorney at Law, Venture Brothers,and Sea Lab 2021 to name some of my favorites. These are terrific programs that break from the norm so completely that you never know where the show may end up. Not to mention that they are written more for adults than the drivel you get from network shows.

Give them a try at least once. If you don’t like any of them then go back to your recycled sit-coms. At least though you can say you tried something new.

Comedy is a Dying Art Form

*Disclaimer: I’m not sick or weird. I feel that I must state clearly, before the rest of this article is typed, that I am neither insane nor does insanity run in my family…unless you count my brother…which I don’t. That said I now want to share with you a darker side of my personality.

I heard on the radio recently that a family of eleven was tragically killed. I found the story more than a little humorous but let me defend myself before you jump to any conclusions about me, or worse stop commenting on my site. The cause, as I see it, utter stupidity.

This family of eleven had just moved into a new townhouse the day before their tragic demise. It seems they were using candles for light that evening. At some point a king size mattress was lit on fire. In their panic or daftness, the family attempted to shove the flaming mattress out the only exit to their home. The burning mattress became lodged in the door and started the rest of the house on fire. Subsequently, all of the family died.

When I heard this, I was sad at first. However I soon realized that these people’s deaths were inevitable. If the flaming mattress hadn’t killed them something else would have; such as starring up at the rain with their mouth’s open for example (if you don't know, this is an old turkey myth). I know that I should be more sympathetic. Yes, it is tragic. But it is also what I like to call “tragically humorous”.

How many of you have laughed at other people’s suffering? I’ll bet many of you have. Be it from watching the show Jackass, or The Three Stooges. Maybe you have read or heard of some “Darwin Award” winners and chuckled under your breath. (The story I just related reminds me of one by the way). All I’m saying is that maybe it’s a little wrong for me to laugh at something like this, but I’ll be damned if it isn’t somewhat funny.

There have been many times in my life when I have thought to myself, “Hmmm, I could die doing this and if I did would it be a dignified death?” Certainly, I would have thought twice before wedging a flaming mattress in the only exit of a room I was in.

Higher Power

I am not a religious person. I haven’t been for a long, long while.

The other day I was talking to Mike about his plight I suppose. He just had his truck fixed for substantially less money than he thought it would cost originally. In the short while that it took to get the truck serviced he didn’t miss a day of work and was still able to hang with his friends. On top of that he was able to make up some work on Saturday that he was unable to do on Thursday due to weather conditions. When I talked to him about this I asked if he had thought about thanking God (thinking of his blog article “There once was a boy named Job”). He said that his computer was still broken.

I thought about myself later that day. If I were religious would there be anything I would pray for? In a way, I supposed, I had prayed for Mike. I was concerned about him getting back on his feet. I genuinely, deeply wanted to be able to make his problems go away. I guess that is similar to praying. I shared my thoughts with LJ and went to bed thinking about it.

Then I thought again about my plight. Would there be anything I would ask God for? I considered this for a pretty long time. The answer I came to was no. There really isn’t anything going on right now with me that I feel is out of my power to change. Certainly in the past there have been situations that were beyond my influence and that I could have prayed over, but right now there isn’t a thing.

I suppose I have come to greater appreciation for prayer. I now believe I understand what it feels like to ask for support from a higher power. To me I kinda felt like my prayers for Mike were answered. Does this mean that I am converted and believe in an almighty God? Eh, not really. I am still agnostic. However, I feel more empathy for those who do believe in a higher being and I suppose I understand how prayer can help people.

So, apparently my prayers get answered. If anyone out there needs anything just send me your prayer on a 5x8 note card with $5.00 attached. Your prayer will be submitted in the order it was received.

*Mark will not be held liable for any prayers that go unanswered. Prayer is a registered trademark of Sacreligion LTD.

Random Discovery

A.K.A. CASE CLOSED
I visited the UWF art museum the other day and saw an exhibit that made me think about my prior blog entry. There I was viewing this piece and thinking to myself “My God, everything I said was so right.” So I put it up to you guys. What does this sculpture look like to you? Also what do you think the title is? In my next blog I’ll reveal the title info but I wanna hear what you people think first.


I do want you all to know that I put myself at great personal risk to get you this rare glimpse from the inside of the UWF art museum. I had to fend off a 120 lb art geek who wanted to confiscate my camera. I quickly countered his verbal attack however by bolting out the nearest exit. Followed by a car chase that may or may not have “actually” happened…depending on who’s telling the story.

Waisting Your Time

I made a quiz like Mike. However I won’t be as strict as his 70% policy on friendship…
Take my Quiz! and then Check out the Scoreboard!

White Wedding

A friend of mine named Andrew is at long last engaged to be wed. This is a minor miracle considering who the individual is. I have known Andrew from boy scouts. We were friends in college and stay in touch from time to time. He is really a great guy, but a bit on the reluctant side. Yeah, he’ll blast a loud and noxious fart out of a bedroom door into a room full of unsuspecting strangers, but he has difficulty proposing to a woman that in another few months would be a common-law spouse.

I have been nagging him about when he was going to pop the question to Stephanie for years and he would always shirk the subject to something else. The guy is crazy about this girl but can’t get the force of will up to ask her to marry him. Well I’m glad he did.

I had a discussion with him on the phone a few months ago and he told me that he was thinking of proposing. He told me he wanted to do something practical for an engagement gift, not a ring…like forgiving a $600 loan she had outstanding to him. Needless to say, I laughed my ass off. Then when it was apparent that he was serious I pleaded for him to get a ring (knowing that he was playing matches in a TNT warehouse). So then we start talking about the ring. He tells me that there are lab created diamonds that are made flawless and cost much less than the real deal. A little while later we had finally agreed that he would spend the extra cash on a real diamond…after he bought a new car.

Anyway, I am so proud of Andrew that I am about to bust. He has told me that his wedding is in October. I plan on going with bells on. On a different subject though…

I just went to an art exhibit at school and there were several pieces there that were very blog worthy, you’ll have to wait for those however. To give this next blog justice I’ll have to get some photo’s to incorporate into the whole text to add just the right je ne sé que.

Dumb and Dumber

So, I have been working at Radio Shack for about two weeks now. I have learned the job fairly well in this time and have gotten to know the clientele for the most part also. One thing I can say, with almost solid certainty is that the general public is stupid. Not really stupid, and not everywhere, but here in Pensacola I’d say the general I.Q. is somewhere in the low 90’s.

I am writing this because I was berated blithely tonight by this woman and her friend who wanted to buy a cell phone and after I had just about finished the sale I had figured out that the plan they had asked me for was not what they meant. This woman kept calling a PRE-PAY plan by another name. When I figured this out and tried to confirm that she actually wanted something else she belittled me with her friend and insisted that I was an idiot. I just smiled and rung up their damned phone and got them out of my store, but I was pissed.

My point is that I talk to people every day that don’t know their ass from their elbows about anything electronic but will argue with me when I tell them the facts about a cell phone plan. Or people who couldn’t figure out how to hook up a VCR to a TV. I’m not even talking about people who are older than the products we carry. I can understand if an eighty year old can’t figure out how to hook a DVD player up to a receiver, however he should know how to plug a phone into a wall outlet. I just grew up with the notion that everyone was intelligent enough that they could read an instruction manual and get the desired results.

We have displays in R.S. that can tell you how to do something or what you need to get for... but I swear I spend most of my time trying to explain these simple things to people who don’t want to, or can’t put two and two together.

My grandparents are in their 70’s and have a computer to surf the net, DVD’s, cell phones, and lots of other high end electronics. Yeah, they got some help learning how to operate some of it but I’ll be damned if my grandfather didn’t open up his CPU and replace or install some hardware recently on his own. This is the environment I grew up in. If you can, figure it out for yourself; if not then have it explained…once. I just can’t understand how so many people down here function on as few brain cells as they must have.

Maybe I’m being unfair. I don’t think so though. I guess I just had a large misconception of the American public’s intellectual levels. Still, as I sit here and write this I can’t help but wonder who is truly dumber the people coming into my store or me for serving them?

Art is in the eye of the Artists

I just got out of my art class and am sitting in the computer lab on campus. Today a guy brought in what I would call an essay on art. In the work he drew a line between written word and visual art. He also hit at artistic impression. In the end the paper felt, to me, he had broken down “art” to a scientific theory. I loved it. After he read it however the class was utterly quiet. No one commented. Everyone just sat still. Instead, they all chose to talk about the poem that was read just before it. A bad poem

It seemed like everyone was uncomfortable with the idea that art could be qualified. The poem was shit, yet everybody wanted to build it up as this great artistic expression. After they were done parading themselves as deep intellectuals I asked if the essay could be read again. It was. I then said that I thought that was great. I explained that I had had some trouble understanding what “art” was and that this work seemed to at least clarify that point to me. Again stillness. I was the only one to make comment on the essay. Everybody just gave me these looks like I just didn’t get it. Moving on the class tried to establish a link between the essay and the poem by suggestion and metaphor. I felt like these people were desperately trying to keep the artistic world as its own entity instead of making any concrete assertions about it.

To some degree I feel like the artistic world is bullshit. It is very much like the story of The Emperor’s New Clothes. In my mind there is greater sincerity and depth of thought in someone who just likes a painting or poem just because they do, rather than those using quasi sophisticated intellectualism. I’m not going to tell someone that their artistic nude is a brilliant use of form and structure, and that it is telling it’s viewers to deconstruct the reality of the world by way of it’s use of contrast. No! I am going to say “Yeah, it’s good. However, it looks like any other hundreds of thousands of other artistic nudes I’ve seen.” A piece of art can be shit. What makes the Velvet Elvis or Crying Clown works any less substantial? They took time and energy and make use of theme, color, form, and contrast just like any other artwork.

I guess I’m just pissed that I am not learning anything in this class. I would like to have a greater understanding of critique, but I guess I’ll just have to bite my lip and let the art majors pat themselves on the back. Though I will say that the guy who wrote that essay deserves far more accolades than most of the other people in there.

Touchy Feely

I’ve been thinking about myself and my life a lot lately. I am currently in this class, sort of an art critique thing, and one of the assignments is to present something artistic about oneself. It can be visual or auditory or performance or literary, whatever. This is posing quite a problem for me. I have been thinking…hell, racking my brain for how I can present myself. The real rub is that whatever I do, it better be fucking good. I can’t half-ass this like so many other projects that students do. Not only will the teacher be evaluating it but the entire class as well. And my project will be along side other works of people that are quite good. I can’t just put that self sketch on notebook paper up next to the large and immaculately composed work of an art major and not have mine look like the crap it is.

So, I have been reflecting on myself and my life thus far to get some sort of inspiration. I’ve thought about my childhood and adolescence all the way to now. I realize that melodrama and dark tormented tragedy makes people come off as deep but I think I’m going to have to be honest here…I’m a happy person. I like myself. I like who I am and where I’m going. I think I have done alright judging by my own standards. Do I have regrets? Yeah. I have skeletons in the closet and have had disappointments. But those things are not even in the picture of my general mentality. I put those things away in my mind’s attic to be dusted off upon those rare incidences of introspection. I think this helps me have an over all good outlook on things.

How does this help me get this damn project done though? Well, it doesn’t. But, by way of this assignment I have done some critical thinking about myself. That doesn’t happen all that often. I think its good to sit down and asses yourself every once in a while. Now I just need to figure out how to get this project done. I’ve heard some good suggestions but I think I need to figure this out for myself. I just hope it comes soon the close of the semester is slowly approaching.

The Devil Returns

Before my wife and I were married we made up a budget that was calculated to show percentages of expenditures of our lifestyle. This was so we could gauge how much income we could make together and how much we would spend and where. When it was finished it occurred to us that we would have more money for ourselves if we cut back on a few luxuries. One such luxury was cable television.

I’m not going to sit here and preach to you about how my wife and I didn’t own a TV or how all we ever did was read, that would be a bold faced lie. However, I will say that if you were to turn on our television a few days ago all you would see was black. Yeah, we had a DVD player, and hell anyone who knows me knows that I am a video game fanatic. All I am taking about is paying for television programming. Since we have been married for a year and a half, I have only watched television outside of my house, and that wasn’t often. Did I still sit in front of the tube? “Hell yes!” I’d exclaim to anyone asking. Did I make a point to watch whatever God-awful show or biased network news program was on? Hell no.

What’s the point? My roomy has a subscription to Dish Network, and he just got it installed yesterday. I came home from work (yeah, I got the job), and my wife and roommate are sitting in the family room watching TV. I didn’t even put up a fight; I just sat down and vegged with them. The invention of the television is already an attractive nuisance without the stream of endless, and pointless, TV shows. If you throw the two together however, you get something much more insidious than a cheep form of entertainment. It’s like a gateway drug. By this I mean that I’ll start watching some TV shows, then some more, and finally I am channel surfing for hours while all of my hobbies get less and less time and I don’t read anything that doesn’t stimulate me the same way TV does. I’m talking to you, subscribers of Readers Digest, People, and yes even News Week. These periodicals have short-ass articles with no more substance than what you could infer from reading the cover captions. This is why National Geographic is my favorite news magazine.

How many of your office conversations revolve around what you have seen on TV somewhere? How often do you bring up some television series when talking to your friends? I would bet a lot more than you’d think. And remember I’m counting network news because, though you may not want to believe it, that’s a show like anything else. Why do you think it reports on what it does? Ever hear the term, “If it bleeds, it leads.” That’s marketing, people. For just the same reason Jerry Springer was popular. You hardly ever hear about stories after their initial report, unless there is some substantial human tragedy.

Anyway, back to topic. Instead of wasting my time on a specific movie that I wanted to see badly enough that I was willing to spend money specificaly on that item, not to mention going out to get it. Or playing a game that I am involved in. No, I will probably become more interested in watching what other people do. I'll just sit there viewing trashy people living, like a leach (Insert reality TV ad here). Not to mention that now I have a satellite dish the size of a manhole cover perched on the top of my fence out back. It’s quite breathtaking…in a bad way. Huh, I'm glad that I got that off my chest. Now I think I’ll go see what’s on. I mean…ah…oh, screw you guys.

Money!…do, do, do, It’s a crime…

I got a job…I think. I filled out an online application for this company about three weeks ago because I knew they had a spot open (my roomy just quit working there). So they ask me to go to this job fair thing to see if I should be hired. I go and sit through a two hour program where they tell me all about how this company is the #1 electronics retailer in America…which is bullshit BTW. Then I have to fill out more paperwork there. I take a two-part test, and go home.

I get a call a few days later. They want me to come in for an interview. “Ok”, so I go. I get done talking with this manager who works across town. He didn’t have as many questions for me as advice about how to make it big like him in the retail industry. Oh yeah, I sat there listening to this ass talk himself up for an hour and a half. Man, I hate people who think they are fucking worthy of my admiration. Still, I sit there and smile, nod and look genuinely amazed at how much he has accomplished. Finally, I get through with that and go home. A few more days later they want to have a second interview with me (same store, same asshole). What choice do I have? So, I go. Second interview is basically a re-run of the first. Just lots more forms to fill out.

A week goes by…

I have visited the store I am supposed to work at twice now. This isn’t the one I interviewed at though (nicer manager). It’s not on the other side of town either. And I’ve filled more paperwork out and had to email a representative my ID and Social Security info. After all this how many days do you think I’ve worked? Fucking zero, that’s how many! I can’t believe how many damn hoops I am having to jump through for a simple part-time job! I have gotten jobs before by just talking to someone for five minutes and shaking hands. These people wanna dance around while my wife and I are going slowly into chapter 11. I hate corporate America!

I have worked for a lot of different retail and service industries over the years. I have had to go to countless bullshit meetings about nothing (if you have worked retail you have probably gone to some and know what I’m talking about). I just hate the fact that it is so damn hard to get a job now a day. I just wish I could be strait up honest with these people by saying, “All I want to do is work for your company for a time and get paid to do so. I don’t want to make this shit hole my career, are you kidding?” I have no intention of working my way up to the dizzying heights of the powerful Store Manager. Christ, if I wanted to spend the next ten years getting to that position then spend the rest of my life there I’d have to walk out to sea and end it all right now.

P.S. I hate Pensacola. I can’t wait ‘till I’m out of this silly-ass town for good. Oh, And check out my new button on the side-bar!

Biscuit-Gauge

Warning: The following is an account of real events that may
or may not have actually happend.

I heard this story on the radio a while back and thought it was hilarious, so I wanted to share it with everyone who may not have heard it.

A woman goes to a grocery store one hot afternoon. As she is walking through the parking lot to enter the store she sees a woman in her car with her head resting on the steering wheel. She thinks the woman is just resting; it is a hot day after all. She goes in, gets her groceries and leaves the store. On her way out she sees that the woman is still there in the parking lot with her head still on the steering wheel. “Maybe she is having trouble of some sort”, the woman thinks. So, she approaches the car to help. She bends over and asks the woman in the car if she is all right. “I’ve been shot”, the woman responds. In surprise the Good Samaritan asks, “where?” “In the back of the neck. I got into my car after putting my groceries in the back and then I heard a shot and felt something hit the back of my neck.” The Samaritan carefully checks the back of her neck expecting a horrible gunshot wound. Instead she finds…a biscuit. Upon further investigation the Samaritan found an exploded can of instant biscuits in the backseat of the car. Apparently the woman had come out to her car on this hot day, placed her groceries in the backseat then got in the front as the can of biscuit dough in the back exploded shooting biscuit shrapnel, against all odds, too the back of her neck. The Samaritan leaned back toward the woman and uttered the comforting words, “Um, it’s a biscuit”.

I love this story. It just strikes me right in the funny bone with a supersonic biscuit projectile. I have been told however that this is actually an urban legend, but that isn’t the point. Even a good urban legend can be funny or scary or just entertaining. Anyway from now on I am going to handle my instant biscuit can as carefully as a loaded gun. You just never know when it might go off like a buscuit-gauge shotgun.

There’s a party over here

…everybody bring your own beer?

Well, we started listening to some Flogging Molly tonight and that lead to talk of a St. Patty’s Day party. It’s a while away but the prime ingredient in any good theme party is preparation. We have to make up some invites and get the place ready and come up with what we should serve, etc. etc.

I’m kinda stoked. I haven’t thrown a party in a long while. I hope its big (not too big) but I also want it to be good, i.e. people are dancing, games are played, ya know…fun. I have been to several parties and some are flops but some are great. I just don’t want this to end up being the old standard high school kegger.

It seems that people my age only know one party format. Come to party at which will be a keg in back then drink yourself into a stupor and vomit somewhere after having sat in one location all night then leave for home and talk about how that party was the best ever. The merit of said party being scaled by how much alcohol you’ve consumed. I just think that alcohol is good as a social lubricant, but it shouldn’t be the focal point. I yearn to have a social network of people who can bring fun with them and not rely on drunkenness for it.

Tonight, for example, we were all downstairs hanging out. I threw on a CD I that had some Michael Jackson on it and we all started dancing like to Thriller and Billy Jean and such. It was great! Mike was getting his groove on. I honestly don’t know why he doesn’t dance when he goes out places. That dude has some rhythm. Point is, seeing someone comfortable enough to give a shot at the thriller dance (totally sober) makes me think “Now here is a person who can have a good time and spread that feeling around.”

If anyone has any good party suggestions give’em up. We will be trying to throw a song list together, so if you wanna suggest some good St. Patrick’s day dance or just party music leave a comment.

Here's how its gonna end

Take that Revalations!

Not that my bro ever reads my page but… props to you dude. Here is a link that my brother found somewhere and its actually pretty funny. It may take a while if you gots the dial up but it may be worth it.

www.endofworld.net

And here's how I look now with the new do

Why ask Why? Paintball or Die!

My roomy Mike got back from New York and told me that he got his hands on a paintball gun. This is a can of worms. “Why”, you may ask? Because, I love paintball but it can be frustrating to say the least.

For one reason, organizing a day of paintball with friends can be an overwhelming process. You can call all sorts of people who do or do not have guns and who will tell you they may or may not be there. Then on the morning of two people will show up and the others decided not to come for various reasons. Then there is the cost. For a paintball gun to operate you need CO2, ammo, and parts (O-rings, oil, etc.) and all of these things add up. Not to mention that you need a place to play. I hate playing at a local paintball field where you have to pay to play and then you have to be grouped with either FNG’s (Fucking New Guys) or the ever present rich kids who are toting the latest in paintball technology.

I know what you’re all thinking too “Why not just let others invite you and let them do all the planning?” I will, but its going to scratch at my brain every time I think that there could be a game in the works and its going to fall through.

All that aside, I love paintball. The times I have spent in the woods shooting mercilessly at my comrades have been some really good memories. I love the feeling of hunting and being hunted. I love that awesome feeling when you have shot two guys and are going on to your third or fourth for a win. It’s great! You get this sort of constant adrenalin rush. Even coming back at the end of a day of all out war and cleaning your gun while hanging out with your team and discussing the events on the field can be exhilarating.

My feelings though are conflicted. Not long ago I had resigned myself to never play paintball again. The sport is expensive and time consuming. The gear sits even now in a duffle bag at the back of a storage closet. It hasn’t seen the light of day for almost a year. I’ve even tossed around the idea of selling it, but I don’t think I can. I find myself dreaming of pulling out the body armor and re-fixing my rig. I know this will just drive me nuts in the end, but I can’t help it. Right now I just want to run through the woods like a kid and mock-kill all who stand in my way. I bet I would feel this way about rock climbing if I was living back up in Georgia and the cliffs were a mere 20min bike ride away. Climbing or biking or hiking is all cool because you need no one else to do them. Oh well, I guess I’ll just wait until Mike gets his gun and then just let events unfold as they will.

Friends & Family

I haven’t posted in a while so through some not too subtle encouragement from my roomy, and wife here it is…

Bonus Blog #2

Curse of the Writer’s Block

Blog 1

When was the last time you made a friend? A real friend? I’m not talking about having a brief conversation with a stranger, or the person that you talk to on the other end of a 900 number…you pervert. No, I’m talking about putting yourself out there and making a lasting friendship. The last real friend that I made was a guy named Courtney, but we don’t hang out because he lives in Birmingham now and there in lies the problem. My network of friends is dwindling.
Last night I had a conversation with my wife and our roommate, we were talking about how we don’t have a lot of friends anymore. Everyone has either moved away or drifted away. This brings me to my point. We all need new friends. This, however, can be a difficult thing, especially if you haven’t made any for a while. So we are all discussing and LJ decides that she will start up her long planned Stitch n’ Bitch club, while Mike decides he needs to get out there and engage people more.

Fast Forward

Four days later I am typing up this post and LJ has the beginnings of a club and a possibility for some new friends and Mike has gotten a girl’s number. Man, I’m pathetic. I used to be the leader of new movements in any of my friend groups. I mean really! “Bizarro”, remember that Courtney? Or Paintball? Or even the original poker night, damn it! Now I have been shown up not once but twice in a matter of days. Ok, deep breath.
I have to find myself a friend and fast. Maybe I can solicit myself to a club on campus, or just tie some meat around my waist and walk around town hoping to gather some strays. Ugh. I may be thinking about this too hard.
One thing though, and this goes out to all those young couples out there. It is damn hard to be married and make single friends. One: your spouse has to be cool with you choosing to spend time with someone other than them. And Two: Your single friend has to be cool with you having a spouse. When you get married its as though people assume you have switched sides on some invisible game field. You can’t always relate to people who are single because they have different outlooks on things.
Back to topic. I need to make an effort to meet someone new. If not for me then just for my pride. Damn…

Blog 2

I talked to my sister the other day. She was all excited about going on a trip to London as a part of a study abroad program. From what I know she would go for just shy of five weeks to a university in London where she would have class two days out of every week and get 3 hrs credit by the end. In that time she would also be able to take trips to other European countries if she was so inclined. The class that she would take would be art appreciation, which as far as I know would not do a whole lot for her major and may or may not transfer to another school. The trip costs in total around $5,000. My family’s reaction was negative and for many good reasons.I talked to her about it and tried to, I guess, share a different perspective on the trip. In the end I think she felt like everyone was against her. I think I upset her a lot as well. I didn’t mean to but it is one of those things.EX: Your friend thinks it would be a good idea to buy a used car. When he/she sees this car they see it through rose tinted glasses, but you being somewhat removed see the car as a bit overpriced and in the end not really what your friend will want or need. So, yeah they’ll spend the money and have a great time with the car for awhile until they realize a year down the road that maybe they should have put that money into something better. You want your friend to be happy, so some small part of you wants them to get it. Hell, why not? Throw caution to the wind. But then you remember how it was when you bought the shit-heap your driving and want to spare your friend your mistake.Anyway, I hope my sister isn’t too pissed at me. I want her to be happy. I just think that maybe instead of doing this she could invest that time and money into finding a bitchen pad and apply to some great college. Right now she feels pressured from my family to go to Georgia State. She may want to go else ware, maybe out of state. I think she should. It’s not impossible and besides college is the perfect time to move out and see what the real world is really like.My choices through college have been fraught with mistakes, heartbreak, and failure. However, I can look back with 20-20 vision. I think that through painful example or road weary advice I can give some small help. In the end it’s her own choice. She is an adult and has to make these kinds of decisions for herself. Sometimes though we need to curb our enthusiasm for something enough to allow our heads to see clearly. The most significant obstacle that can stand in anyone’s way of his or her goals is that of inaction. So, get your butt movin’ girl, no one can do it for ya. I’ll be here if you need me.

Bonus Blog!

Two Blogs for the price of one!

BLOG 1

First up, I’d like to make an addendum to my very fist blog. I went to a Tower Records last night to get some Christmas presents. LJ was looking for a gift for me when she noticed something that she had to show me. At the risk of revealing my gift she drug me over to the rack she had been looking at and pointed it out to me. It looks as though someone in Oahu has been reading my blogs and taking note. There before me was a copy of two of the same Rob Zombie albums. One with the, ever present, parental advisory logo and another with an “Edited” sticker occupying the same space where the parental advisory logo would be. I couldn’t believe it. This store had made sure it labeled each CD that came into its store if it was edited for content in any way. Kudos to you Tower Records.
Now could we just talk about charging $18.99 per fricking CD? What the hell?

BLOG 2

I went to see “Ocean’s 12” the other night and was let down. Not by the movie but by the trailers. “Ocean’s 12” was great for anyone who cares. No, the trailers were weak to say the least. Not their editing or sound, or anything to do with the way they were presented. It was just that more than half of them were movies I couldn’t even consider seeing. There was a new Keanu Reeves movie that looks like shite on a stick called “Constantine”. And then there was a Brad Pitt and Angelina Jollie action crap called “Mr. and Mrs. Smith”. Watching these previews I couldn’t help think about how the industry gets away with showing below average fare with high-end action and making a blockbuster. It doesn’t seem right.
I imagine a movie now-a-days begins with a meeting of the production company execs, maybe some special effects guys, and a tarot card reader. The execs would start with “Ok, we need a summer hit, we can budget $100 million on stars, wardrobe, locations, and special effects. We can’t do any more sequels this year or remakes of old 70’s-80’s TV shows or the public might know we’re out of ideas. Lets do a film…um…lets see…about…a modern day witch who lives in Manhattan and has a day job as a cop with a troubled past and takes care of a young boy who is a martial arts genius”. At this point the special effects guys chime in with “yeah we can do magic/bullet-time with a bit of Spider Man-esk CG people for those really difficult stunts.” The production execs nod knowingly then ask the fortuneteller what Variety might say about their movie once it comes out. Finally, someone asks “Hey, Who is gonna write this piece of trash?” To which everyone laughs and says, “Write? No one in Hollywood knows how to write. Maybe you should go back to shooting your, gay ass, low budget Indi-films if your gonna insist on ‘writers’ being involved.”
Maybe I’m being harsh but it just seems like most of the movies out or coming out are primarily sequels and remakes. Not to mention some movies seem like they are shot only to provide witty, or not so witty, one-liners that an audience can watch in a trailer and get psyched up about. Or maybe just so Matel can crank out as many toys as possible BEFORE the movie even hits the theater. How many of you are tired of seeing a movie video game out before the movie? I still see some of these films, how can I not when they are the only thing out? However, I love going to see a movie that is different and new.

GOOD MOVIES
Donnie Darko
Boondock Saints
Royal Tenanbaums
Cold Mountain

BAD MOVIES
How to loose a guy in 10 days
Underworld
The Scorpion King

In the Bedroom

Not too Interesting

My birthday was last Sunday and my wife got me this great present. It’s a joystick, much like the old Atari ones, that hooks up to your TV and has five old games on it. PAC-MAN is the first one. So I am playing it and my roommate Mike starts to as well. No more than a day later we are both glued to the TV playing PAC-MAN in rapid succession trying to out score one another. He’ll through down the gauntlet by scoring 1,000 points higher then I’ll break it and the cycle continues. This kinda brings back a sense nostalgia for the old Atari but also its just fun to sit there and play this silly game and trash talk each other.
I love gaming. But I have also found that I love gaming with other people. This is a revelation for a guy who has always been a kind of loner. I remember playing R6 with Courtney when we were roomies. That was fun and addictive as well. I also started playing games with my wife. It’s amazing how gaming is geared towards being a singular pastime but can be a fuller, richer experience with others.
Eh, this is going to be a short blog. I’m suffering some serious writer’s block and this topic is getting old quick. If anyone out there has some good topic ideas throw ‘em this way. Until later cats.
Oh, and Mike will want you all to know that currently he has the highest score of 42,000 or near that, however I got some bad news for you my friend I am closing in fast.

Christmas Values, as told by Sinjon

I used to drive around a lot with my Dad when I was younger. I worked with him every day most summers and sometimes during the rest of the year when I had time or he needed help. We would sit and talk about everything from politics, art, religion, relationships, etc. I always like talking to my Dad too because he would use analogies or a short story to make a point. I would sit there in the passenger side and ask him a question and he would sit quietly, like he didn’t even hear me, and maybe five minutes later he would respond with a well thought out articulate answer.One of the stories he told me when I was younger was about these two guys and goes like this…

This guy was a writer for a car magazine and was well paid. He wasn’t a rich guy but one day he was able to buy an old 1940’s Ferrari. He wasn’t wealthy enough to drive it around, he probably couldn’t afford the insurance, but that wasn’t the point of the car. To him this Ferrari was the most beautiful thing on Earth. He and his friend would sit in chairs on his back porch drinking a beer and looking at that car every day. They would just sit and talk about how perfect that car was. One day though the sun was shinning down in their eyes so they decided to move the chairs to the other side of the car. As they sat there they noticed that the front fender was at a slightly different angle than on the other side. They went and checked it with a micrometer and then a ruler. Sure enough the Ferrari had a slightly different angle on both fenders. They checked the rest of the car as well and noticed small imperfections throughout the rest of the body.

Ferrari’s in the 40’s were hand made. They were not built on an assembly line by machines. A master craftsman manufactured each piece of the Ferrari painstakingly. So it is likely that the car is not perfectly symmetrical. In fact you could buy a 1980’s Honda that is perfectly symmetrical but it, of course, would not be as beautiful as this Ferrari.

So, the friends discussed it for a long time that afternoon and decided that the imperfections were what made this car as beautiful as it was. It was in fact unique.

The lesson here is two fold. One, this taught me that you have to not only look at something for what it is but how much time and energy went into it. That is the true measure of the value of something. And two, Uniqueness is a quality that can and often does get overlooked.

When I asked my Dad one year if he liked the models that I made him for Christmas or his birthday even though they themselves weren’t worth much (maybe $12.00). He said that they were worth much more than what I thought. When I asked why, he said that I needed to take all the hours that I had spent building the model; all the skill that it took in painting and shaping it. Then imagine how much the model would cost if he had paid me hourly to build it. Thinking back on that now I realize that I have never been able to afford a gift equal to the few projects that I gave to my Dad.